Itazura na kiss- Meant to be
by zuchino.ss
Summary: This is a Naoki Pov story of Itazura na kiss the Japanese version 2013. My story begins after episode 15. Kotoko leaves the country and not just the Irie's house,leaving Naoki free to marry Sahoko. In my version we see Naoki fight between his sense of duty and his heart.
1. Chapter 1

July 15

I thought that I already touched the bottom line.

I thought that I already managed to let her go and accept the new reality.

I already said my goodbye when I told her she should find herself a good man too.

I thought,by saying that I would shred the last bond between us and it killed me inside. It killed me inside because I saw it then in her ayes, I actually saw the moment it broke,the moment she finally let go of me. I felt hollow,but I was wrong,it seems I have not reached the bottom line yet,it's still far away from me.

The worse was still to come, because tonight when mother said to me that Kotoko was leaving our house next month,the hollowness inside reached new peaks and after, that Kotoko will leave the country too. I stopped breathing. The air hitched in my lungs.

I turned slowly toward the stairs, maybe to slow, maybe to fast. I can't remember how much it took me before I made the first step, seconds? minutes? I don't know. I felt numb.

Was she so hurt that she felt the need to flee the country in order to get over me? This is ridiculous . Where would they go? What would they do? It was bad enough to let her go as soon as I fully accepted my feelings for her, it was bad enough I have to marry another one,it is bad enough she is leaving my house, but to never ever see her again?not even by chance on the street?or catch a glimpse of her at school?or birthday parties where my mother would surely drag me to? How stupid is she? She can't do this to me.

I wonder what are the limits of sorrow that one can feel.

 ****please don't be scared because of the short are a few pages of Naoki's diary but it will get better**


	2. Chapter 2

July 16

It seems that Kotoko never stops to surprise me. I just found out that Kotoko won a scholarship to a university in America. How in the name of God Kotoko won a scholarship?!Here I am laughing my ears out when I thought I will never laugh again. _She_ is Aihara Kotoko,an endless force of nature. I love her so much.


	3. Chapter 3

August 20

This past month was pure bliss for me. With Sahoko being away to a boarding school for a period of time, I was able to return to my normal pace. Of course I still had to work for my dad's company and every morning passing through those gates I remembered the future that laid before me and what I had to lose but somehow at the end of the day I managed to push those thoughts aside and pretend none of it ever happened .

I was able to pretend because upon arriving home I would always find Kotoko greeting me with a slight blush and even a small smile if I was lucky. Even though those smiles are so rare these days,when I see one,those perfect cherry lips going upwards of my sake, I feel all the weight lift of my chest. I feel so easy,so natural,bathing in the warmth of her smile,small as it is,that I forget all my problems,and for a few seconds I can see how my life would have been with her,so carefree and so perfect. I can see myself making my everyday goal to make her smile for me. After that she would sit at her usually place at the dinner table and listen to her chatter and how she always seems to get herself into troubles.

This is how I learnt that she secretly took English classes for some time and that's how she was able to win a scholarship to a literature department at some university in New York. So my Kotoko finally found her path in life. But why secretly ?and why literature? I don't know and I can't ask her. I have to keep the pretense, I have to keep my walls up and strong.

It was her life,I can't meddle in,I have no right to and still can't wrap my head around it.

My Kotoko studying in America,how did that happend?

My Kotoko spreading her wings to fly away from me. I am so proud of her.

I can't think about her leaving me anymore, I still have a week till the end of the month.


	4. Chapter 4

August 27

She is gone. The pain,the void is surreal . I feel the need to scream,to shout, to tear everything apart, but I can't , I have to surpress these feelings,the urge to go after her and that's why I'm pouring my heart into these pages.

Yesterday I took the day off at work,telling everybody I was not felling well,it was a lie , I just wanted one last day with her. Ohh how I rejoiced in that look of concern that Kotoko gave me. I truly am a bastard, clinging to every drop of kindness she threw in my direction.

I threw myself on the couch, propped my feet up, feigning a cough. Then she came to me and touched my forehead . Heaven! She was so close,her perfume enveloped me,hugging me. I closed my ayes in bliss. Of course I didn't have a fever, I wasn't sick,at least not physically. With a puzzled look Kotoko offered me a cup of tea and I nodded in agreement.

I believe my mom saw right through me. She knows me well, she knows that I wouldn't give up on work for merely a cough. Maybe because I may have lost it for a few seconds,the mask of indifference I've build to perfection,it's just that I can't think straight when Kotoko stands so close .I always made the stupidest mistakes when she was near me, said the meanest things to her just to cover my mind going into mush because of her. That's the effect Kotoko has on me,turning the genius into an average hormonal adolescent who picks up on girls he likes.

Anyway my mother went fully into emotional mode, talking really fast about having such a busy day and lots of things to do so she picked up her purse and just left,leaving us lone in the house. Kotoko with a resigned look on her face and I just staring at her like the idiot I am.I remember the first time we were alone in the house, the first day of a summer vacation ,my mother would lie and get out of the house too.

Then like now I saw through my mother's lies and said nothing.

Then for pure curiosity and now out of despair.

Then I saw joy, anticipation and twinkling little stars in her ayes, scarred I would turn my back on her and went upstairs to my books.

Now she barely looked at me.

" Irie-kun should I get you a blanket?"she asked

"Yes,thank you." I answered and she was about to leave for the blanket when I took ahold of her wrist and asked her before I could stop myself "Are you going to be alright?"

I've put so much hope in that question. I hoped she would say no,she was not going to be alright without me, just as much as I was not going to be alright without seeing her. I hoped she would change her mind,but then again I hoped she would say yes too because I knew deep down that there was no other way. So many contradictory thoughts plugging my mind .

"Don't be silly Irie-kun! I know that I can't do many things right but I can surely bring you a blanket." She answers annoyed .

Ahh! Of course she didn't get the real meaning behind my question and why would she?why would I suddenly care for her future? She took it like a mean thing to say,that,would be more like me.

"Hmmmm" was all I could say and I let go of her wrist.

The rest of the day went by so qiuckly, Kotoko went upstairs to finish packing, then she made me an awfull soup and I continued to watch her making herself busy around the the time she finished everybody came back home,including my mom, with a look of so much hope I couldn't stand it and went for the stairs.

"Goodnight Irie-kun" I heard Kotoko saying and I stopped in my track. That was not like the good nights I heard from her so many times before,it sounded like a goodbye to me. Everything cringed inside me. I should have turned around and say goodnight too but I was afraid she might see the truth on my face. I continued to climb the stairs to my bedroom.

Later that night I heard the door of my bedroom open and I quickly closed my ayes . At first I thought it was my mom checking up on me and I didn't want her to find me still awake. Soon after I sensed that sweet perfume of strawberry candy,it was Kotoko ,and I would have open my ayes then but I felt her soft lips touching mine and something wett dropped on my cheek. Surprise paralyzed me.

"Goodbye Irie-Kun" she whispered . No! I opened my ayes but she was alredy at the door with her back to me and with a scarf of mine in her hands. I don't know how much I stood there watching the closed door, she was really going away, I thought and I asked myself if I can live through her departure. I knew it then,I knew the answer, I knew I can't live without my Kotoko. I won't let her go,I decided in that moment that I didn't care about the consequences , I would endure anything with Kotoko by my side.

She was the life source of me.

She gave my life color,meaning. So innocent,so sincere,so precious, so completely opposite of my calculated way to be.

With that resolve,peace came over me. I decided. Next day I would tell everything she means to me and I won't let her go. I closed my ayes ,after that I can't remember what happend because when I opened them it was already morning. I heard my mom crying down stairs. I jumped out of my bed as fast as I could and I practically flew down the stairs. All the time I was screaming No No No in my head. When I finally arrived at the front door I saw my mom crying on her knees and dad and Yuuki hugging her. I threw open the door but the taxi was long gone..

I turned back, taking my wallet and coat,ready to go after her. Yuuki watched me with a strange expression on his face. I must have looked like a crazy person to him,standing there in my pajamas, about to leave. I didn't care.

Just as I was about to leave through the door I heard a scream of pain and a thud. My father had just collapsed clutching his arm. He was having another heart atack. Silence! was all I could hear,not my mother crying,not Yuki's shouts,nothing. I mecanicly drew my phone out and dialed the number for the ambulance. Someone answered and I gave the directions.

The ambulance arrived shortly after and we all went in taking me in the opposite direction of the airport. While I was holding dad's hand all I could think is that I can't do this to him, I can't break the engagement with Sahoko because that would destroy the company and I can't be the cause to anymore pain for my father.


	5. Chapter 5

Without Kotoko Day 1it.

Another restless night. I'm staring at the ceiling trying to pull myself together and get out of bed. I have a long day ahead of me. My father is in the hospital,my mother is there too keeping him company so I have to get up,cook some breakfast for Yuuki, go to work and tonight Sahoko is coming back from boarding school. Just thinking about her name sends cold shivers down my spine.

I open the bedroom door and my head turns instantly to my left to where Kotoko's room used to be,the sign with her name still hanging on it.

I must be going insane because I just heard a noise coming from her room. I listen closely. Again that sound. I rush to the door and open it.

"Kotoko !"

"Oni-chan!"

"Ohhh! What are you doing in here?"

"Well,this is my room again and with mom gone, I thought I could help you remove some of these stuff."

"Yuuki,you have school today. Do me a favor and go wait for me in the kitchen and I'll cook you some breakfast ."

"Fine" Yuki puts down the empty box and rushes by me. I know what he's thinking. He wants to do this for me. He knows my secret.

Everything is still there were it used to be . Her pink curtains,her stuffed animals. Everywhere I look I see pink. It's as if she never left. Her perfume is still lingering in the room,pulling me inside,strawberry candy.

I go to her desk and open a music box, a pink ballerina starts a pirouette on a very sappy song. I touch her ridiculous looking pens and a smile is creeping on my lips. So many memories. I remember when she blackmailed me into tutoring her. The look on her face when trying to solve the most difficult equation I gave her,on purpose,was priceless.

Something in the trash can under the desk cought my attention. It was empty except for a envelope I surely recognize,I have it tattooed on my brain.

Slowly I pick it up.

The air leaves my lungs and my feet give up under me.

I fall on my knees.

I open it.

"Hello, I am Aihara Kotoko from class F. You probably don't know me but I know you..."

It's true then. I can't believe she just tossed it,left it behind in a trash can. Her love totem to me.

I am feeling it. One tear. A lonely tear was falling on my cheek. My first tear I cried since I was a little boy.

I guess she will always be my first of everything .

I feel my mind disconnecting from my body,my personality like splitting in half and for a minute there,I can see myself clearly,how pitiful I became. Standing there on the floor,crying over a letter I stepped on it the first time I saw it,my hair is a mess,I have dark circles under my ayes,even my pajamas are mismatched .

The older me laughs at the broken,malfunctioning man I am now.

I can see a line forming. If I choose to step over it I can go back to the way I used to be,the voice of reason is telling me to hate Kotoko for everything she's done to me.

Turning my life upside down,revolving all of it around her

I mean,before her,everything was precisely planned and quite simple. My room,my curfew,my meals,school,my future and then she moved into my house and I got to share my bedroom with Yuuki, I got to spend entire nights tutoring her, mom started to cook her favorite meals,I got to chose the same university she went. I knew I had to take my father's place at the company,I didn't like it but I was fine with it and she had to come and tell me I can do better,I can be a doctor,saving people's life,becoming a hero. And guess what! I want to.

I can choose to hate her, I think,but I won't. I slowly fold the envelope and put it in my pocket.

I always compared loving Kotoko with standing in a very bright light. You can't see clearly around you,everything losing it's sharp edges,it is confusing at the beginning and if you stay there long enough,spots of bright colors invades your vision,red,orange,pink.

I don't want to go back to the dark corner of my life,where everything is grey and defined. I chose to love her,even if she is far away. The older me laughs at me again. The line never existed,I never had a choice.

I have to get up,Yuuki is waiting for me.

One step at a time,no more planing.

 *****I know it's a short chapter but I will do my best and try not make you wait to long between the chapters. I had this story playing around my head all day and I had to write it down**


	6. Chapter 6

Days without Kotoko 21

I look out the window of my office,with my forehead glued to the the glass. My work it's alredy done and it's only four o'clock in the afternoon. I always try to keep my mind occupied with something,to work myself to exhaustion so when I arrive home I just crush into bed and fall asleep but today there was really nothing left to do. Maybe I should take a stroll on the way home,it was pretty far away,that should get me down.

" Excuse me sir!"my secretary, I have a very diligent one. Every half hour she finds an excuse to come knock at the door,"a coffee?" "something to eat?", I swear she would give me a foot massage if I'd ask her. It's annoying .

"You have chairman Oizumi's daughter on line 1"

"You mean my fiancée." I remind her,just not letting her hopes up

"Excuse me."she closed the door.

Sigh! I somehow managed to avoid her these past weeks,always finding a reason for not meeting each other,tired,work,business meals. I must confess,I'm getting good at lying,but I think she is getting suspicious.

I guess there's no way around it,I pick up the phone.

"Hello!" I try to put some life into my voice but I can't seem to find it in me.

"Naoki-San !"

Yes, Irie-kun it's just for Kotoko's lips only. I wonder what is she doing right now.

Naoki-San ,can you hear me?"

"Of course!" I'm helpless.

"I am sorry to bother you,but I was wondering if you are not busy right now maybe we can grab a cup of coffee at the coffee shop near your office?"

"Yes,I can be there in thirty minutes. Is that ok with you?"

"Of course"

Silence.

"Alright,then,see you there."

"Yes,goodbye."

She hangs up.

I look at a smiling Kotoko from an old picture,my dad had on his desk. It's from a barbecue. My mom,my dad,Yuuki,everybody is in it,smiling,except me. I hate taking pictures but now I wish I was in there too maybe with my arm around Kotoko's shoulders. There is no time for regrets.

I arrive at the coffee shop and Sahoko's already outside waiting. She hasn't seen me yet so I take the opportunity to arrange my facial expression and try my best to smile. I'm tempted to look into a mirror,just to make sure I'm doing it alright.

"Hello,I'm sorry for being late."

"Oh, Naoki-San ,hello!"

She smiles at me ,a little flustered.

"No,you're not late,I was here early"

"Shall we go in?" I open the door for her."I'm sorry I can't stay long,I still have some work to finish,back at the office."

"Don't worry,I understand you are a busy man."

I order a coffee. Black.

"So how have you been?"

She starts to talk about her art classes and how she seems to have a busy schedule lately. I stop listening. The way she talks,so poise and delicate,it makes me want to tap my foot on the floor. With the corner of my aye I watch the clock on the wall. Twenty minutes passed. I put my cup down and stand up.

"I'm sorry but I must be going now"

She was a little shocked but recomposed herself quickly. I have to remind myself that none of this is her fault. I try another smile.

"See you again sometime soon?"

"Of course!"

"Again,I'm sorry." And I took off,never giving her a chance to hope for a hug or maybe a goodbye kiss. I know we are going to be married soon but I'm not ready to deal with this right now.

I hate to go home so early. I hate it when I have to much time to think.

My father got out of the hospital two days ago,he is doing much better now but he still needs his rest and he is on strict diet so you can imagine his mood. My mother is still depressed over Kotoko's departure, Yuuki got his room back so he just keeps it to himself and me,well,I breath in and out and that's about it. I open the front door to my house but something is different today. All lights are on and I can hear voices coming out of the main room.

"I'm home!"

"Oni-chan,welcome!" Mom comes to great me. She seems unusually cheerful tonight.

"Guess who decided to pay us a visit!" She grabs my hand and practically drags me with her. On the couch next to Yuuki ,stands Kotoko's father. My heart skips a beat. I learnt from my father that he never intended to go with Kotoko,instead he moved out into a small apartment closer to the restaurant. This is the first time I see him in three weeks.

"Good evening!"

"Naoki,nice to see you again"

"He comes bearing gifts too"

I look at the table and it is full with food. I glare at my father. He should be on a diet!

"Don't worry,don't worry ! I am careful." He answers me,with a strange light in his ayes. What is it?admiration?

" No,look,he brought us a letter from Kotoko" my mother practically squealed with joy and she hands it to me.

I look at it. I can hear Yuuki muffled laughs.

"Doesn't she know we have phones these days? "now laughing out loud .

Kotoko,the forever romantic. I look at it some more. It says "To Irie's family " in English . A smirk escape my lips .Everybody is looking at me,waiting for me to say something .

"Don't you want to know how she's doing all alone in a foreign country?"she snaps a me

What am I suppose to do anyway? Just take it and read it in front of everybody like I'm having a monologue in acting school? Really? Does she expects me to do that? Because if I'll do it she should hand me an Oscar too,after because,I'd be perfect for the role,I'd even break down and cry yelling for her to come back.

"Not really" I answer instead but I take a seat anyway.

"Fine" she sits down besides my father and opens it. I put my hand under my chin and stare at a lamp. Mentally preparing myself. She doesn't read it out loud thou. It's like she's punishing me. So,between all the of ahhhh's and ohhhh's of my mother I can see Yuuki,putting his book down,taping his fingers on the table,waiting too. Kotoko really had everybody falling for her.

Suddenly my mother jumps on her feet letting the letter fall down and something else too. What are those? Photos? I see Shigeki stare down at the floor. Is he blushing?

"What is it? Is she ok?"My father asks,taking the words out of my mouth.

After the longest seconds of my life,mom seems to recompose herself and answers.

"No,no,she's fine,actually she's doing great. She says school it's a bit overwhelming for her,now at the beginning but then she says that New York is a beautiful city,she made a lot of friends,her apartment is a little too small but ok,everything is a little to expensive for her so she has to look for a part time job. Coming home for Christmas is out of the question. She says we don't have to worry too much because she found a roommate to share the bills. His name is Jason. She sent us some photos."

Yuuki gasps.

My head snaps right up. Did she just said her roommate ,Jason?

That can't be right. I slowly pick up the photos.

I see Kotoko in a small kitchen… I see Kotoko surrounded by books,again that concentrated look on her face I adore,my heart melts…. I see Kotoko with some guy smiling….

I put the photos down,I can't look at them anymore. My hands starts trembling.I hide them behind my back before anyone can see. Rage sweeps through my veins,all my senses are fired up. Is like someone pumped adrenaline right into my heart. I can't stay still anymore,I feel the need to break something,like someone's face. This need for violence startles me,paralyzing me for a moment. Another first.

Then my mother starts laughing again. I know that laugh!

"Ohhhh, I believe the time had come for a little family vacation. I think we should go to New York for Christmas this year. I heard is beautiful that time of the year!"


	7. Chapter 7

Days without Kotoko 120

"I can't believe that tomorrow we are going to see Kotoko!" My mother squeals with joy while setting the table for dinner.

"Are you still on that stupid kick ?" I ask for the hundredth time this last month

The truth is I can't believe it ether . Ever since that horrible, horrible,night,my mind is in turmoil. I'm leaving a nightmare. Every single freaking night,I go to sleep with those photos in my mind. Every time I close my ayes, I'm picturing them together,in that tiny apartment,alone. Taking dinner together,laughing together and my mind goes on and on and I see him stretch a hand to tuck a lose strand of hair behind her ear…..I see him leaning closer to..to..

I touch my pocket where I know for sure I have Kotoko's letter. That letter had been my salvation these months . Every time I feel like I'm losing my mind I touch it to remember Kotoko's love for me. It's the anchor to my sanity.

"Stop it already ! What is the problem anyway? Our Oizumi princess is coming with us,isn't she?"

Yes she is coming too. My mother invited her. My future wife is coming with me on a trip to see the girl I was really in love with and which by the way is leaving for three months now in a house with a guy,only the two of them…again I touch the letter. Yes mother no problem at all.

What is she up to anyway?

" I know you are on to something. What is it? Why are you so nice to Sahoko all of the sudden?"

"Well,it's like you said, she is gonna be family soon so why not. Any way I do want to check up on Kotoko and I know her father does too. I want to meet that Jason guy and see and what are his intentions. She it's just too trusting, I worry about her."

Well she is making a good point. I bet he is awful,leaving his things around , listening to loud music all night,not washing the dishes after he eats,maybe she got sick of him,maybe we should go there and help her kick his ass out of the house.

I finish up my dinner in silence. Thinking of so many reasons Kotoko must be hating that guy. This is much better than before. My mood improving a tiny bit and now I realize we are alone at the table. I must have been worse than I thought.

"Where is everybody ? " I ask mom

"Dad went to bed early,we have a long journey tomorrow and Yuuki, I think he is wrapping his gift he got to Kotoko for Christmas."

"He did what?" I feel my jaw dropping

"Isn't he a sweetheart?"

"I guess."I imagine Kokoto's expression while receiving a present from Yuuki ,that would be a sight worth seeing.

"Well,thank you for the meal,I'll go to sleep now too"

"Good night honey."

But instead of going to my bedroom I go straight to Yuuki's. I don't go in,I watch him try to wrap a book, Phillip Chesterfield. Really? I knock on to the already open door to make my presence heard. He stops,looks at me and continue what he is doing which by the looks of it not a really good job. He tears another paper gift. I go in and sit beside him on the floor taking the book out of his hands.

"Hmmm, is this for Kotoko? " I ask him pondering the book in my hands. I knew every word written in it.

"For how stupid she is, she will need more than one."

I slowly start wrap it myself.

"I see…. So you thought you should help her!" He never looks at me.

I finish wrapping it and give it back to him. I get up to go to my room and when I am almost through the door I hear him say

"I miss her too."

I continue on my way,I don't want to face his admission. I can't handle his feelings when I'm struggling with my own.

I sit on my bed with Kotoko's letter in my hands. A lot of time had passed since she gave it to paper is so fragile between my fingers, for the numerous times I opened and closed it. It's wearing down. Soon it will tear apart . I never considered that it can break. I should be more careful the next time I open it. Yes I will be more careful. I learn from my mistakes.

Next day I wake up too early. This is the day I see Kotoko again. My skin is tingling with anticipation. I am wide awake the minute I open my ayes,and it seems I'm not the only one. Outside my bedroom there's a storm going on. I hear footsteps up and down the stairs,my mother shouting at Yuuki . Doors closing and opening. I hear dad's laughter, and Yuuki arguing. Just what is going on? I open the door and come face to face with my mother.

"Just what do you think you're doing?"she asks me

"What?"

"Why aren't you dressed yet?"

"Are you kidding me? "

And just like that she turns around to yell some more to Yuuki.

This is going to be a long day.

We are finally out of the door and into the car,we are to meet the rest at the airport. I can see clearly that mom is on edge for some reason. There is something I'm missing but I just can't put my finger on it.

At the airport we find Shigeki and Sahoko together talking,about some new recipe I presume. Today she is wearing a dress, color peach,knee length. The way she dresses reminds me of my office. I know it's mean but I can't help it. So clean cut,everything at the right place,the right color,the right style. I've never seen a hair out of it's place.

"Good morning!"

"Good morning! " Kotoko's father greets me,but before Sahoko could say anything my mother rushes to her

"Ohhhh honey you look beautifuuuul today!"

"Thank you." She answers a bit embarrassed

"Come,come,we are running late."she takes Sahoko by the arm,turning her around,leaving me behind. I look at the watch on my wrist,my brows knitting together,we still have plenty of time left.

In the airplane I take the seat closer to the window. Sahoko was right behind me but some how my mom ends up siting in the middle,between us. I don't mind. Actually I am grateful,for what ever she thinks she is doing. I close my eyes,pretending to be sleeping.

"Tell mi Sahoko, what is your favourite color? I hear my mother asking.

"I don't have one but I think I prefer light brown. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing I just want to get to know you better. What do you like to do the most?"

"Well, I like to paint. Every day I reserve a few hours from my time so I can paint."

"Really? So you like sitting still for hours in a row and paint?"

"You see I.."

"What do you do for fun?"

"I like to read and.."

"You like to read for fun?What do you read?"

"Mostly poetry….

I mentally roll my ayes. Now I get it.

I prey for sleep to come, but with every hour the clock turns my heart starts doing little happy dances in my chest. I try to put some reason into it,I'm telling myself that this trip doesn't change anything,I have Sahoko for a reminder,I tell myself that I don't know what I may find,maybe that Jason guy is more than a roommate,maybe she already moved on,I'm telling myself that there is a chance that she doesn't love me anymore,but it just won't listen. I am the happiest I have been for months.

Finally the captain announces our arrival. We land. I try my best not to smile this time.

With every step I take,my heart starts beating faster and faster. I search the crowd but with her being so small there are little chances to see her from this distance.

I walk faster.

I can see her. I see her jumping up and down flipping her arms around,yelling something,but I can't hear yet what she's saying.

Please,let it be my name,I walk faster.

She is finally out of the crowd coming my way,no,she is running my way, just a few more steps…

I'm standing in the bright light again,I feel a little dizzy,my steps falter coming to a complete stop. She's standing right in front of me. Her cheeks are red,her hair is almost out of the ponytail,she is radiating pure energy,she is beautiful. I take her in,I breathe her,I feel alive.

I want her to look at me. I want to see the confirmation I am craving for but I never get the chance before mom jumps at her. They are both hugging each other,crying and laughing at the same time then her father cuts in,more tears,then my father and again my mother. I peer around her,nothing,she is alone,I sigh,good!

Finally,mom gets over herself and let go of Kotoko. She turns to Yuuki.

"Ohhh Yuuki you have grown up soooo much,you're almost as tall as me."she pats him on the head."I missed you so much!" She pulls him into a hug

"Ughhh,idiot! Let go of me. "

Finally,it's my turn.

"Sahoko-San!"

Errr what? Aaaaa,I forgot. I step aside to let Sahoko come forward.

"Sahoko-San , Irie-kun" just a glance in my direction "so nice having you here!"she gives us a bland smile.

Please look at me. But she does not


	8. Chapter 8

I keep turning and turning in my bed. Sleep doesn't get to me. My mind keeps going back to Kotoko and every time,I feel my heart sink a little lower. She hasn't looked into my face once. I needed to see her ayes, I need to know I am still special to her,I need to know like I need to breath. I am starting to feel like this was a bad idea, I should have known mom's plans always backfires on me. How am I suppose to deal an entire week with Sahoko and Kotoko in the same house and at the same time if I barely got out alive from a thirty minutes car ride to the apartment mom rented for us? I'm suppose to be the genius of the family but I really can't go against my mother,she must have some secret superpowers I don't know about. For example today, I don't know how it happened,in the commotion with the luggage and the continue arguing I, find myself trapped between Sahoko to my right and Kotoko to my left in a taxi,the three of us glued together like sardines. I don't mind being glued to Kotoko at all,but how am I suppose to stay like that and still keep a cool mind? For the entire ride I had my heart beating so hard I was surprised nobody heard it. I'm grateful nobody felt the need to have a conversation, the tension was so thick I could have slice it with a knife. My left side of the body was burning,I felt every tiny movement she made and she made a lot of them,she was like fish frying in a pan. The worst part was when she opened the car window,it should have been a relief some fresh air,but the car was stuck in the traffic and all I got was drafts of air filled with her perfume sending some of her hair that got loose in to my face. Then she would apologize and try to put it in place and I swear her elbow went right below my nose and almost touching Sahoko in the face. I once turned my head to the window,pretending to look at the streets of New York, just one little peek at her,I thought, big mistake,she was so close that I forgot everything else and almost leaned in and kissed her. No more movements,I decided,I was fighting for the dear life of me.

I give up on sleeping. I get out of the bed and go to the kitchen for a glass of water. I don't bother to get the lights on. I just sit at the table,thinking about what I should do next ,when I hear someone's bare feet clapping on the floor. Someone else is having trouble sleeping. When I look up I see a Kotoko in an oversize t-shirt,which barely arrives at her mid thighs,her hair is loose and messy, rubbing her ayes. For the love of God,just pull the trigger alredy! I scream in my head.

She turns on the light but doesn't see me. I put down my glass hard. Tiny little ayes watch me. "Hi Irie-kun!"she waves at me

"Hello!" I answer back dumbfounded. Then the situation seems to catch up on her because she stops on her way to the fridge,her mouth forming a perfect O. I watch her blush go all the way to her ears.

"Ehhh...what are you doing here,lurking in the dark?" She asks,trying to pull the t-shirt down to a decent length but only managing to bare her shoulder more.

I can't watch anymore, I look away.

"I can't sleep." I answer. I hear her opening the fridge. I knew where I put the water bottle. There is no way I am gonna miss this,even if it costs my life. I see her stare at the bottle that was on the top shelf,she would have to raise on her toes and lift her arms to get it. She decided against it and closed the door. To bad.

"Well, I'll leave you to it,then. Good night"

"Wait!"I get up,take the bottle from the fridge and pour her a glass."Here, take it"

" Thank you ."she drinks ,pause and drinks up finishing it. She still doesn't look up at me. Why doesn't she look at me? I remember something. That time on the stairs when she asked me about Matsumoto,if I try to do the same,maybe I will get a reaction. I take a step closer "So..",and closer,she backs away, I have her trapped between the counter and my body."...when will I have the honor to meet Jason?". Nothing. She just stares at the empty glass in her hands,the only thing left between us. I am starting to get nervous, I had enough of this. I take my hands out of my pockets with the intent to shrug her a little,maybe she is still sleeping." Oiiii Kotoko!"But it only leads to me caressing her bare shoulder. I guess she is not the only one trapped. Then I realize the most obvious thing,my caress turning into tight grip.

"Why are you wearing a man's shirt?" Suddenly I'm finding it hard to breathe

"W- w-what?"she seems confused. I don't have the patience for her slow mind right now . I take a fistful of the fabric and ask her again a little louder " This is a football player shirt,isn't it? It's his right? Why do you have it on you?" I let go of her disgusted. Now she finally looks up at me, I search her face and all I see is guilt. So it's true. I can't look at her anymore. All my nightmares were coming true in front of me but I surely preferred the doubt. I turn my back on her.

"I...no..wait,you got it all wrong..it's just that..yesterday..."she stumbles on her words

My shoulders starts to shake with laughter,building in my chest,coming out loud,interrupting her, a laughter,that sounded more like a scream to me,filled with sorrow and bitterness. I must be losing it. Will I ever reach that bottom line?

"So this is what you have been doing all this time?" while I was wrenching in pain at home,I add in my mind." This is what you have become? I must confess Aihara, I always thought you were stupid but I never saw you the easy type."

"Hey,wait a minute,why are you insulting me?Huh? I told you it's not what you think,but you know what?" I feel her hand gripping my arm turning me around,facing her. She's staring right into my ayes,but I already had my confirmation ." I don't need to explain myself to YOU!" She says says pointing a finger at me. Then she turns and leave,stumping her feet on the floor. Now I can see the name Jason written on her back and a number. Number one. Isn't this ironical?I feel the crazy laughter building up inside of me again.


	9. Chapter 9

This morning I decided to go for a run. I needed to clear up my mind,before anybody could see me. One look at the map and and I got it memorized. I just kept running faster and faster searching for some relief. I was afraid of my own reactions,I was afraid I might do something stupid. I needed to get things prioritized in my head again, I was not used with the confusion that reigned in it. The cold air whipped my face, my burning skin welcoming the sensation. The relief I searched never came though, her betrayal still scorching me,playing vivid imagines in my mind when I closed the door at the apartment. The house is quiet. Good. I go to the kitchen for some water and I find Sahoko. She is sitting at the table with her back to me,drinking coffee. I freeze in my track. Maybe she hasn't heard me coming in. Slowly I turn around to go hide in my room like a coward.

"Naoki-San, you're home!" to late. I go and pour myself a glass of water and drink from the bottle instead. What am I doing? I put the bottle down.

"Good morning. Where is everybody?"

"You've just missed them. We had breakfast and they decided to go on a shopping spree. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and tonight we have a guest at dinner. It's that friend of Kotoko, Jason. I stayed behind,waiting for you. This is my second cup of coffee. Kotoko really makes an amazing one. I never tasted anything like it." His name is like a slap on my face. I had nothing to say. I knew how her coffee tasted once, I wonder how is it now. I go and pour myself a cup. Maybe it's bitter,like her betrayal.

"Is everything alright? Naoki-San, you look,uhm..I don't know,you don't look like yourself today."

Nothing. Nothing! Absolutely nothing is alright!

I go to look out the window,afraid she might read to much on my face. It has a beautiful view over the city,I can see Central Park from over here.

"It must be the time difference" I lie "it's tiring "

She comes beside me

"What a beautiful city! We should come here for our honeymoon." She takes my hand. My first instinct is to withdraw it but I stop myself. Like she said,we are going to be on our honeymoon soon. I take a sip from the coffee. It still tastes wonderful.

I sense Sahoko lifting my hand.I look at her. She has her ayes closed and with a soft smile she leans her face in my palm. What is she doing?

"Naoki" she opens her ayes "kiss me."

Then it downs on me. She is falling for me. Why would she do that? Where did I go wrong? When did I ever gave her hope? Besides, of course, agreeing to the marriage. I don't want her though. I don't want her love. I want this marriage to be just for convenience for her as well. I don't want her to love me, because she will get hurt.

She stares at me,waiting,she searches my face for an answer to a question only she knows. I lean in and kiss her on the forehead. I am sorry, I will never love you.

It's alredy five o'clock in the afternoon. Sigh! I hear the front door opening and a storm of people coming do they must be so loud every time? I bury my head under the pillow. I have a headache. They moved on to the kitchen. I hear an ouch!, a thud,broken glass,an ouch! again and a very exaggerated sorry. I smile before realizing it, Kotoko is helping with dinner. Then I remember who is the special guest, the number one Jason and the smile fades away. I get up. I might as well get over with it. I can't hide in here forever.

I go into the kitchen. Nobody had seen me yet, I lean on the door frame. My ayes go straight to Kotoko. She is trying to gather the broken glass on the floor, my mother is fuming around Sahoko,giving directions,like the mother in low she was, even though Sahoko was the only one around who seemed to know what she's doing. All three of them with matching aprons. I hear another ouch! and see Kotoko put her thumb in her mouth. Before I could think of it I find myself crouching on the floor next to her. I pull the thumb out of her mouth. Her ayes widening in amazement. I look at it,just a small cut,nothing to worry about. I turn my head up to see my mother with pretty much the same expression on her face. I quickly let go of her hand.

"Idiot! Let me do it. Go and clean that cut and put a bandage on it or you'll bleed all over the food." yes,go away from me,I can't think clear with you around

"Onii-chan you're home!" my mother says with a pointing finger accusing me

"Of course,where should I be?" not understanding where she was getting at

Then her pointing finger goes to Sahoko's direction, still glaring at me. Why is she glaring at me?

"You've been home all day long?" Now I get it. Again with the' naughty things',the way she likes to call it. If only she knew. To bad mom,you can't control everything after all.

" Yes,so?" I see Sahoko blushing , confirming my mother's doubts. I look at Kotoko,but she keeps her head down,holding her thumb. Is she in pain? I get up and start searching the cabinets for a first aid kit. Found it! I take a plaster and hand it to Kotoko.

"Here,take it" but she doesn't react

"Hmmm.." I get down on my knees and try to apply it myself. She looks up at me with teary ayes. Does it really hurts that much? Now I'm worried. I look at the cut again,maybe is more deeper than I thought. I finish up and put her hand back in her lap.

"You should be fine now." I get up and leave the kitchen.

I go into the living room, where everybody is watching a game on tv, I sit beside them and pretend to watch it to but my mind goes back into the kitchen. I have this nagging doubt at the back of my mind. Were those teary ayes just for the cut? I ask myself. Or did she just interpreted the situation between me and Sahoko the wrong way like my mother? Is there a possibility that she might be jealous? That can't be,she has Jason now. But what if I got it all wrong,like she was trying to tell me last night?

Hope. I still have hope

I hear the door bell.

"I'll get it!" I tell everybody. There is just only one person that can be. Jason.

I open the door and there he stands,with some flowers in his hands. I stare down at him,I literally look down to him because he must be taller than Kotoko by a few inches. I smirk

"And who might you be?" I ask him. I know what his name is but what I really want to know is who is he for Kotoko?

He looks at me confused for a second then at the number on the door. Yes idiot,you got it right.

He straightens himself up

"You must be Naoki. Nice meeting you" he says to me while he pushes me aside and go inside uninvited. I open my mouth to say something about having some manners when I see Kotoko smiling,coming towards us. Her thumb must be just fine. I close the door a little a harder than I should

We gather around the table and Kotoko starts with the introductions. I stay a little far behind,analyzing him. Dark hair,blue ayes,leather jacket.

"Everybody,this is Jason Donovan,my roommate. He helps me with the bills and he actually saved my life a couple of times."

Donovan. I heard that name before.

"Hey,don't worry, I'm at your service,anytime." He pokes her nose and makes an exaggerated bow

"...and of course you've already met Naoki"

He turns himself around,to face me,puts an arm around her shoulder in a protective way and whispers something in her ear which makes her giggle. Is he making fun of me? I want to kill him. I take a step to do just that when he burst laughing out loud. He shrugs his jacket off and comes to me still smiling like an idiot.

"Why so serious NAOKI? " he says my name like he is spelling it." Nice meeting you"

" You've said before. " I ignore his stretched hand and sit at the table "So what are you majoring in? Circus managing ?" I get straight to the point.

I watch him closely all throughout the dinner. Something seems off with this guy. Beside the name that I surely heard before,it's the attitude the he has,way to comfortable in his own skin. He has everyone wrapped around his little finger in a matter of minutes. Telling jokes,making everybody laugh, but still seriously answering all Shigeki's inquiry questions. He talks a lot but not really saying anything. Again with the jokes and funny stories about Kotoko at school, I even smile at one of does, the praising and the compliments, I see my mom blush once or twice. He is having a successful night,wining everyone's approval by the time it is over.

The only thing I'm glad for is that he hasn't tried anything funny with her at all. The more I watch the more I become convinced that there is nothing between them.

"On Christmas Eve my family is throwing a party every year,and you are all invited. My father asked specifically for Kotoko to come. You see, it's like she is a part of the family." he says that watching me intently."What do you say Naoki?Will you and your lovely fiancé come tomorrow night?

"But of course,we would all love to come" my mother answers for me "Kotoko you will definitely wear that dress I bought for you today!"

I don't like this guy. But it seems I am alone in my opinion. As long as he stays clear from Kotoko.

*** I hope you enjoy my two new chapters. Let me know what you think***


	10. Chapter 10

**How the Grinch stole Christmas**

 **part 1**

After the dinner last night, my mind is finally at ease and I can enjoy what little time I have around Kotoko , still hate the idea of those two living together,it's another weight added on my chest,there might not be something between them now but it might be in the future. I hate it because I have no control of it whatsoever.

What amazes me the most is that you'd think after all this time I know her,after all the crazy things we've been through I would be used to her presence by now,but I discovered that I'm still pending on every word that fall from her lips,she still keeps me on my toes like she once promised me , I still find new things to love.

I'm still falling for her.

I tried to be as close as possible to her,without raising any suspicious looks,no more than I alredy do,that is. Everywhere she went I was there,near her, like a satellite,always revolving my self around her. She washed the dishes, I dried them,she watched tv, I was there on the couch reading,never participating,never interfering. I think once I over deed it because I sow everybody's questioning looks when I agreed to help with the Christmas decorations. I shrugged it of. I might as well do it for Sahoko's sake,right? I don't think I fooled Yuki though. My mother just continued on her plan to make me see the obvious differences between Sahoko and Kotoko and why Kotoko is way better for me,like always praising her for her liveness and dedication. She never gets a reaction from me. Those are things that I alredy knew and already love about her. I just wish she would back off already . She is making things harder than already are. It is for all of them,including my mother,that I make this sacrifice,to marry Sahoko. I wish she could see that already.

I almost told her the truth today. Almost told her I too see Kotoko like she sees her,the brightest of them all,the only one who can make my cold heart beat.

Kotoko never said a word to me,throughout the day, and it saddens me so much,I miss being the center of her universe.

The day went by almost in a heartbeat and now I stand in my room trying to decide between a silver tie and a dark blue one when I hear someone knock at the door.

"Come in." I turn and see Sahoko with a little wrapped box in her hands.

"I got this for you. First I thought to put it under the tree but I guess you can use it now." This is a little awkward. I didn't buy anything for her. She opens the box and takes out a silver tie and puts it around my neck. It's decided then, silver tie it is! Her hands lingers a moment on my shoulders before sliding down my arms.

"You look very handsome tonight, Naokie." She tries to sound seductive and not succeeding .

"Thank you. You look very beautiful too. " and it is the truth. She looks beautiful in a tight short black dress, with silver earrings pending at her ears and silver shoes,to go well with my tie, I guess. Her hair is pinned up in loose bun. Perfect makeup.

" Onii-chan! We are ready to go!" I hear my mother calling. Sahoko takes my arm and we leave the bedroom.

I am so grateful for that hand of her that is holding me right now because if it wasn't for it I would just turn around and run back into my room,making a fool out of myself,the moment I set ayes on Kotoko. Why did I ever agreed for tonight's dinner? Why do I complicate things that are already complicated? This night is going to be my undoing.

I see Kotoko with her back at me,helping her father put on his jacket. My ayes turning twice of their natural size. Her back is all I see for a second, her bare back,that's all.. There is nothing there, no other piece of cloth covering it,nothing!. There are just two stripes in a crisscross holding her dress together. A red dress that begins from her hips and down,gathering in a pool around her feet. And she is taller too. Is she wearing high heels? I get my answer when she turns to take her purse making the light material fly around her and I can see almost all of her leg sticking through a high cut of the dress. The dress is hugging her waist and falls loosely on the floor. All of her hair is hanging in curls on one shoulder leaving a splendid view from her shoulder and all the way up to her neck and her blushing cheeks,matching her dress,no makeup.

Perfect. She just gave a new meaning to the word beautiful.

I try to swallow but my mouth is dry,maybe because it hangs open,I quickly close it. A flash of my mother's camera wakes me up from my daze. Wait! Did she just cought that on camera?

I feel Sahoko's gaze burning through my left side of the body. I don't even want to think what goes on her mind right now. My mother practically glows with glee,her plan is working,yes,she is wearing down my defenses.

"Aren't we a little overdressed for a family party?" I try some lame cover up

"No. Jason called this morning and said that the party got bigger and sent me the new address. I think we are fine, dressed like this. " the tiniest smile appears on her lips,like she was remembering something "Luckily I received this from your mother,if not, I'd have nothing to wear"

Yes,we are so lucky to have my mother to think about everything . I hear her extremely loud sigh for the third time now. That look of contempt,holding her hands together under her chin,looking into space with dreamy eyes,I've seen it before. That time when she found out about the first kiss I shared with Kotoko,she had the same knowing expression.

"Aren't you forgetting about something?"she says pushing Kotoko toward me

"Ahhhh,that's right ,this is a must have for to night." She hands me a gold ,Christmas shape pin. I look at it and I wonder why would we need that for and I'm about to say no to it when she takes a step closer.

"Here,just let me help you with this..…" She is to close. I have a suddenly intake of air,filling my lungs and I freeze. I refuse to exhale. I can't. Her face turns upwards ,two wide ayes looking up at me with uncertainty. My gaze falls on to her mouth, her lips are moving,she's saying something but I can't hear,all I hear is my heart thumping into my ears,it's to loud,it's not normal. She hold up her hands,I can feel her light touches,her fingers hovering over my chest. She turns around. I exhale. That was close.

I say nothing,my blunt refusal just gone out of the window. My mind is numb,turned to mush again, must be from the lack of air. We start moving. Outside are two cars waiting for us.. I take Sahoko by the arm and start walk faster. I welcome the cold air. With the corner of my aye I see Kotoko get in the first car. I turn quickly for the second before my mom can trick me again. I close the passenger door. Safe.

I look outside the car window and I see that we are already out of New York City. Just where exactly are we going? I remember the pin. I take it out and hold it in my hand to look more closely at. It is pretty heavy,is this real gold? It can't be. He wouldn't afford one and less likely seven of them. After an hour and a half the car finally stops in front of two huge iron gates that were opening onto a country road. Someone at gates waves us to go in. We continue driving for another ten minutes when we stop in front of this immense,beautiful villa. It goes up three floors I think,with columns that goes all around it. It looks old and aristocratic. I pull on Kotoko's arm.

"Did you gave the right address? "She takes out her phone and checks it

"Yes,this is the right one." around me everyone has the same puzzled look.

The front door is open and as we go in a hostest comes and takes our coats and then a waiter offering champagne. I take one glass.

It takes me a full minute to assimilate my surroundings. We are standing in a huge ball room with chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, round tables are line up near the walls,in a corner I see a band playing live music,waiters are swamping the place with trays of the finest food, I see a photographer taking picture of the couples dancing around a very gran Christmas tree, I see luxury,I see money and then I hear the most annoying laugh in the world, Jason. I turn around and there he stands next to an older man,his father I guess.

"There you are! Ohh Kotoko you are beautiful!" He takes one of her hands and kisses it. I drink all of what its left of my champagne .

"Irie! Long time no see old friend! Let me tell you when I heard that Kotoko's family is coming all the way from Japan to visit I just had to invite you all at our party."

Jason's father comes toward us rubbing his hands. I see my father trying to recover from the initial shock. They know each other?

"Robert Donovan. Thank you for having us." my father answers shaking his hand.

It hit me. Now I remember. My blood turns to ice.

Of course! Robert Donovan, Donovan, the Donavan Enterprise. This company is the reason for our company's down fall. First he took us out of the American market which provided us with the seventy per cent of our intake. Now he is threatening us on the Japanese market. He plays dirty,his company takes our product changing the features and offering it at a lower price. I even heard he deals with espionage,placing workers in other companies to steal ideas .I came across some files and I remember it well because those were part of the reason I decided to take over in my father's place.

I remember it because it contained a proposal for buying our company.

I remember it because it is why we needed the merger with the Oizumi company in the first place.

He was no friend of my father,he was our number one enemy.

We should get out of here. I don't know what game are they playing at but I don't want to stay and find out. I see my dad changing colors,he is going from red to purple. I go beside him afraid he might have another heart attack.

" Is he your son? " he points at me " I don't think I had the pleasure to meet him yet. I heard he alredy took your place at the company. At such a young age! I'm impressed! I wish I was that lucky,but that son of mine is still tailing after girls!" he laughs gesturing to his son but he is nowhere to be seen. Well,he won't be tailing after my Kotoko for long,that's for sure. Where is that clown,anyway?I don't care! We are out of here!

" Come dad,let's go home." I don't even bother to look at the man. He makes me sick. He is taking this way to far,this is not about business,this is personal. If he thinks he can get to me through Kotoko…

"What? Leaving so soon? " I hear that Jason laughing behind me. Aren't these two merry little men ?Ohh how I wish to wipe that grin of his the moment I see it. "I'm sorry but I can't let you do that right now,you are my special guests tonight and I have a surprise for you Kotoko!"he takes her hand" Come with me for a minute"

There is no way I'm gonna let THAT happen. I put my hand on Kotoko's shoulder,stopping her from leaving.

"I think we had enough of your surprises" I look at Kotoko "We are leaving,now" I try to put enough force into my voice to make her understand .

"Irie-kun,we just arrived here. Don't be rude. What's wrong anyway?" she whispers back at me,oblivious to the tense atmosphere and shrugs my hand away..

"Yes Naoki,my father shall see you all to your table. Don't worry,we'll be back in a second." He looks over his shoulder to me and winks. I can't believe the nerve of that guy!

This night is turning into a nightmare. I close my ayes and pinch the bridge of my nose. I must think of something to get us out of here. We are all sitting at our table,in silence. I see my mother is not happy with this turn of events. If I wasn't so angry I could have laughed at her expression. Guess this is what happens when meddling with other people lives,ehhh,mom? Dad seems to have calm him self a a little. Kotoko's father is in no better shape, even though he must be a stranger to the rivalry between the two companies,I bet he is wandering why that pubnk,if so rich, needs to split the bills with Kotoko for that apartment? I see his fits closing and opening repeatedly.

A headache makes my temples throb with pain,I try to push it away with my hands when I see them, Jason and Kotoko coming towards us but stoping in the center of the room. He waves at the band and they stop playing ,in one hand he is holding a microphone and the other is wrapped around Kotoko's neck. I am gonna break that arm of his! The room silences down,everybody waiting.

"Ladies and gentlemen,thank you all for coming tonight,as you know this is a fund raiser party and I want to introduce you the person who inspired it all. This beautiful lady I have next to me,her name is Aihara Kotoko!" a waiter puts a tray on the table,I don't look to see what it is. I'm using all of my energy to stay seated and not going after the guy. "She is the author of the book you're holding right now. It's the first edition to a series of children books. They are not out on the market but I took the liberty to make some copies and with purchasing one you would be helping the fight against AIDS in Africa. Thank you"


	11. Chapter 11

How the Grinch stole Christmas

Part 2

To say surprised would be an understatement . Shocked is the right word. I would have never seen it coming and why would I in the first place? Since I arrived here I was so wrapped in my misery,so blinded with jealousy,in other words so full of myself, I never even bothered to think how she's doing.

I look at her small figure and can't stop wandering how. How did she pulled this of? She truly is amazing! The strength she had, to overcome her own limits,to go from barely being able to pass an exam to winning a scholarship ,to leave everything she knew behind and start a new life from scratch. The strength she has, to keep smiling at everything life throws in her path, never breaking down,never backing out. I am in awe.

I want to know her secret. Is there a formula?is there something I'm not doing right?why do I feel truly alive only when I'm close to her? I want to know because she is the only source I have to see life's true colors,with her gone,I'm just an empty shell.

So powerful and yet so vulnerable in her innocence.

I see Jason whispering something to her and Kotoko smiles and nods in agreement and blushes and laughing again when he takes her hand making her twirl around. I forget everything for a second,mesmerized,enjoying that sound, I can't remember the last time she laughed so wholehearted .

No!

I snap out of it. This is bad. That guy is bad. I'm gonna put an end to this right now.

If I can't have her I will make sure that bastard won't either. I stand up making my way to them through the tables and I arrive just in time when he was making himself too comfortable,putting his arms around her. The sight of that hand on her naked back has the same effect of fingernails sliding on a board.

" May I have this dance?" It sounded polite but I was not taking a no for an answer.

Seconds pass. People are staring at us. I take a few deep breaths to calm myself and I'm about to ask again a little less politely,he lets go.

I look at Kotoko and she is serious again. She keeps her head down and her brows are furrowed,thinking hard about something. Sigh! She used to smile at me all the time. I gently take her hands up and put them around my neck. With my fingers I push her hair down from her shoulder,letting it drape on her back. One hand goes on her waist,I pull her closer, the other hand under her chin.

" Look at me!"

She does just that and I'm lost again. I feel my knees weaken,my heartbeat accelerating,my brain refusing to function correctly, screaming at me to stop resisting her and give in. But this time I was ready, I saw it coming, I was prepared for this. I take us behind the Christmas tree that was standing in the center of the dance floor, far from prying eyes and I do just that. I give in. Just for a second I tell myself. I push her head on my chest,above my heart. One more second! I l lean my face into her hair,closing my eyes. Do you hear it Kotoko? Do you hear my cold heart beating for you?

We are out in the open again. The second passed. I take a step back.

"Hey, Irie-Kun!"

"Hmmmm"

"If I wouldn't know better, I'd say you missed me!" she reads something on my face and lets out a nervous laugh " Don't worry I know better."

"Congratulations on your book. I didn't know you wanted to become a writer."

"No,no,no. It's nothing really! I am just experimenting on it. I have not decided yet what I am going to do from now. It was my professor's idea actually. He said I could put all my day dreaming to good use and I came up with this story. I never even considered to have it published and I still don't."

"What other options do you have in mind?" I ask,my curiosity piqued .

" I will see when the time comes. Irie-kun?"

"Yes?"

"Are you sure we are doing it right?"

"Huh? What?"

"The dancing. It looks like everybody is moving faster than we do."

"Well, let's just say I still want to be able to walk again after it's ended."

"Hey, that's mean! I can dance!"

"Maybe…but still don't want the risk,with those high heels you're wearing."

" So how is life back in Japan?"

Terrible. I don't want to talk about me and lie.

"Tell me something . How did you and Jason met?"

"Ohhhh…" she avoids to look at me and I know her well enough to believe she is about to deliver me a lie. But why?

"It was the first day of school and I got lost around campus. He was the first person I asked for directions. Jason it's such a easy going guy,we quickly became friends." nice speech ,it's like she had it memorized. "I don't know why you don't like him,but I'm not surprised, I guess there aren't many out there you like." Ouch! Why is she so defensive? I push it further

"Why did you moved in with him?"

"You know why."

"Ok,let me rephrase it. Why did he moved in with you? I don't believe he needs it. Don't you find it a little bit strange?"

she takes her time to answer…..still nothing. I feel the claws of jealousy griping at my heart again.

" It's something going on between you two?" the moment of truth. I dread the answer

" I believe you have your own opinion on that too." It wasn't a confirmation but she didn't denied it either. Why is she avoiding the question? I won't let this one slip so I'm about to ask her again when she interrupts me

"I sympathized him."

Huh!? I don't think I heard it right. What is there to sympathize about him?

"I took pity with his situation" she blushes and looks away "You see,he is under a lot of pressure from his dad. He wants Jason at his company with him one day but Jason has its own dreams in life. He needed a place to stay to clear his mind and a friend."

That left me speechless. I know she is telling the truth. I know she is too kind to let someone's life being ruined by parents ambitions. I know it was me that she saw in that moment. But what about Jason though? Did he said the truth or did he just knew what buttons to push?

"I don't want him in that apartment with you."

"Well,it's not your decision to make. Anyway, why do you care?"

"I believe that unless he is gay, it's highly inappropriate for you to live with a man alone in a house. I'm just saying…Think about your reputation. Besides, I don't think your dad likes it ether. I'm just stating the obvious here,don't read too much between the lines."

"He is not gay but thank you for your concern,I think I'll manage." she is clearly annoyed

My mind is set by the end of the song. If plan A didn't work out, I guess I will pass to plan B. I look around for Kotoko's lost puppy and I find him quickly,standing in a dark corner,watching us. I nod at him and then in the direction of the door. He understands and nods back at me. It's time for the final count down.

I let go of Kotoko and she seems pretty relived that I did so. I say nothing and go for the door.

Outside Jason is already waiting for me,leaning casually on the white column of the house. I go at him and suddently take him by his collar jacket. I push him further away from the house,down a path that leads to a garden. It started to snow pretty hard and the ground is already covered with a white sheet of fresh snow,muffling the sound of our steps. Our hard breaths the only sound in the still night. The anger is taking a toll on me,clouding my mind. The need for violence leaks from every pore of my body. But I need to cam myself if I want this to work.

I stop right in the center of the garden and I let go of him with a final push, he stumbles to a stop a few feet from me.

"Aww man! For real! Did you forget your nap or something ?"

"Drop it!" I say between clenched teeth

"What exactly? "

"Drop the attitude. You know why we are here!"

"Well, I'm only guessing."

"I'm here to tell you that I'm on to you and that I want you out of that apartment."

"And why would I listen to you? "

That's it,I had enough, the little straining I had in me gone. With two long steps I'm in front of him. I take him again by his collar jacket and give him a little shake.

" Listen to me,you little little man! You can have the easy way and just leave her house and her life starting from tomorrow,or you can have the hard way.."

"Really? And how is that hard way?" he starts laughing at me pushing my hands away ." You think I care about your petty threats?"

I take a step back. I need to calm my self or I'll just send him to the nearest hospital .

"What are hoping to achieve anyway? If you think for one second ,in that little twisted brain of yours or your father's that you two can make me to sell my company, I'm telling you from the start that you are at a dead end. How on earth would you manage that? Kotoko is no leverage. You picked the wrong person. I am about to marry another. Kotoko means nothing to me. Get it? Nothing! So why don't you two just leave it alone? You want my company? Come and fight me on the business field."

With that,proud of myself that I didn't lost it at the end, confident that I made my point, I turn myself and leave. Somebody should really offer me an Oscar!

"Wait a minute, so you think this is about your company?"

"Well is it not?" I'm still very confident about my victory and I give him the most bored look I have.

"Let's agree to disagree right there. I know, ok? I confess. When Kotoko told about the family in Japan,she missed so much, the Irie family, I recognized it instantly. You see, my father makes me go to his office every day after classes to learn about the company so I heard your name mentioned many times at meetings and I told my father about Kotoko. I admit I took advantage of her from that moment because my father just left me of the hook and said to me to spend all my free time getting closer to her and learn what I can about you. Hey man! You have to understand I never meant any harm. I was just glad that I don't have to attend those stupid meetings at the office and instead I get to spend my time with a pretty girl."

"Well, you learnt already what you could,it's time to end it." I feel the anger coming back to me.

"I would do just that but you see…. I think I'm in love with her."

"You think what? What kind of sick taste of humor do you have? That's it,I want you out of that house immediately if you don't want Kotoko to know about this!" Or I might just send you to a hospital in a coma. The idea is more appealing by the minute.

That seemed to strike a nerve, it wiped that grin right out of his face.

" Just who do you think you are?" he says in a mocking tone. " So yes, I may have lied my way to her but now I'm being honest. I'm in love with her and I planned t

o tell her soon. But what about you,huh? Coming at me like this? You think you're better than me? You, Prince Charming coming al the way to America to save the his damsel in distress, barging into her life! And then what? Don't you plan to leave again and marry another?"

"That's none of your business!"

"It is my business if it involves Kotoko! You think I don't know about you, the genius and cool Naoki? You think I don't know everything you've done to her,you hypocrite? Didn't you asked her how I met her? Do you want me to tell you?"

I say nothing.

"It was on the first day of school and it was raining. My classes were over and I was ready to go at the company when I see this little girl crying on the stairs,in the rain. I didn't say anything to her,I just gave her my umbrella. But I saw her cry again the next day. She was very lonely,she never talked to anyone. And the next day and the next. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I went to her and asked what is wrong. She didn't trust me and said nothing much at the beginning and I thought she just needed a friend but with time she began to tell me this really sad story with you at the center Irie Naoki. Ohhhh! I think is time for some harsh truths. Do you want to hear them?"

I feel paralyzed from the neck down,unable to say anything, I just stare at him.

"She told me all about this perfect guy she was in loved with, the genius,good at everything he does, about his good looks,I even know about his penetrating stare that she felt was fallowing her in her dreams,on the streets, everywhere. She told me everything about your rejecting and insults, about your mischievous kiss. One day she came to me and said that she felt she was going crazy and wants to go back to Japan. She said she didn't care about you marring another,she just wanted to be in your life in any form. I sow her getting thinner by the week. That's when I decided to move in to her apartment and made her eat regularly. And the nightmares! She had night terrors. Every night she woke up screaming your name and she would fall asleep again only if she had a scarf that I suppose it is yours. I was worrying about her and planned to take her to a doctor and that's when she began to put a brave front for me,but I still herd her muffled cries at night. She was still broken, lifeless. It only got better when she started to write her story. She discovered she was good at something,she felt better about her self. She was getting better but you had to show up again.

"No more." I finally managed to say. I look around for a place to sit. There is a bench but is too far away from me. I don't have the strength to go there.

" Don't you think I saw what you did to her on the dance floor? I saw it her eyes,I saw the hope you gave her again. You sadistic bastard,you like to keep her clinging on you! You never let her go completely. Don't you see what you're doing to her? You're killing her,pice by piece and leave it up to me to put them together."

"Enough! No more!"

"So unless you're here to chose her above all,I suggest to remove yourself from her life." With that said he turns,finally leaving me alone.

"I can't " I say to myself. The realization comes over me like an invisible punch,going through my stomach, slowly I slide to the ground on my knees , I dug my hands in the snow,not being able to bear the guilt anymore. "I can't choose her. I can't kill my own father."

It seems like ages have past since she moved into our house. Since that day I am always putting on a fight, first against myself,then against the fate. I came such a long way, she changed me in ways I never thought possible. I am grateful for the chance to a love not everybody can have it in their life but I feel like an aged man in side, I feel like I have lived a hundred times until now. I can't do this anymore. I can't fight anymore. It's useless and I don't have the power. It's over. The day that Irie Naoki didn't win at something finally came. I almost,almost smirk at that thought.

I wish for some tears to come, I want to cry it all out but it seems I can't even do that anymore. I feel the numbness from the cold snow I have in my hands go all the way up to my heart,freezing it. Good! I get up and out of the garden. I don't bother to goinside for my coat, I don't mind the cold,it's my friend,I welcome it. I am almost out in the street when I hear someone calling me, but it's to far behind to make me stop.

I'm going home.

 **This is the end of first part of the story. I promise for the second part you will see more of Kotoko.I hope you enjoy the new chapter. Please let me know you thoughts on it. Thank you!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Dear Past,thank you for all the lessons**

"Sir? You have your wife on line one."

"Ok thank you" my hand wavers for second above the phone. I almost decide against it but she would just call again. "Hello! I told you to never bother me at work!" I say letting out a long breath and wait for the bitter answer. Silence. "Sahoko?"

"I called to remind you the dinner with your parents tonight"

"Did you really think I forgot? That's something I can't do."

"I called to make sure you're coming. I haven't seen you for three days." Her voice broke at the end. Aghh ! She misses me. I knew this would happened if she falls in love. I wish I could have warned her. I wish I could warn every idiot on this planet to never fall in love. Falling in love is just mind wrecking,senseless,painful,tiring and plain stupid. I would never repeat the process.

"You know I'm busy with the launch of the new product next month. Don't worry, I'll be there." I hung up. I throw the pen I have in my hand on the desk,in defeat. I really have to go don't I? These are the nights I dread the most,the nights I have dinner with my parents. I feel all the exhaustion that I accumulated these three days catching up,my shoulders are stiff. I try stretching my arms for a bit but it doesn't work. Maybe I'll go lie on the couch for an hour or two because if I don't look well rested to my mother she will never stop the nagging.

I wake up startled by a knock at the door. I look up and I see my secretary.

"Sir,your wife called again" she said with a apologetic look on her face. I look outside the window and I see that it's alredy dark . I'm late.

"Tell her I'm on my way."

I'm at the the door when I remember something. I turn back to my desk and take out my wedding ring from a drawer I had it locked for three days. I put it on my finger and look at it. After four years and I still can't get used to it.

As I pull the car in front of the house I see Sahoko waiting for me on the front steps,glaring. I get out the car and open the passenger door for her,maybe doing that will ease her anger a bit.

"You're late." She loves stating the obvious . "What? No excuses? You have nothing to say to me? What was it this time? Ohhh,let me guess, was it ..

"Work? Yes. I alredy told you that. I don't need to apologize for working. Now would you please get in the car?"

"You know,you are unbelievable! You should fake some kind of remorse at least."

"Do we need to do this right now?" I wait calmly for her to climb in. I know this is what sets her of the most,the nonreactions she always gets from me,I understand her but still can't go through the ordeal just for her sake.

"Fine."

When I arrive at my parents house, I do what I always do. I take a moment to breath and to prepare myself before opening the door, because is like opening the door to the past. A door I never open unless I have to. The past is pain. Then I remember that I'm alredy over it and it can't hurt me any more and I'm ready. I push open the door and I see Yuuki getting ready to leave.

"Aren't you staying for dinner tonight?" I ask surprised but not too much. We never had a strong relationship but that fight we had when he returned from America made things worse between us. Coward,he yelled at me back then. I shake the thought away and stop myself from going down the memory lane.

" No,I have somewhere else to be. Have a pleasant dinner" he says to Sahoko and leaves .

"Onii-chan!Sahoko! Welcome! " my forever cheerful mother comes running toward us." Hurry up, the food is getting cold" she takes our coats and pushes us, more like pushing me,literally,in the kitchen.

We eat in complete awkwardness. It never gets better. I put the food in my mouth,chew, swallow, a sip of water,then my mother would ask how we've been lately and I answer fine, my father would ask about the company and get the same answer as my mother. I watch the clock turning the minutes,slowly,too slow. I need to get out of this house,it suffocates me.

" Hmm,I have an announcement to make." I watch in surprise Sahoko. I have no idea what this is about but I continue eating . I just want to finish all the food on my plate and get out of here." I decided to take over the creative department at the company. I want to start working as soon as possible" I drop the fork on the plate startling her.

"You can't do that." I say that a little too loud. My mother narrows her ayes at me.

"I already talked to father about this and he agrees with me." She says that avoiding to look at me. Ahhhh, but of course, he owns a great part of the shares at the company. I always have him breathing down my neck. I can't really go against him.I resume eating a little faster. Why does my mother always makes so much to eat?

" We don't need you." I say back and see her go red with embarrassment. I am good at stating the obvious too.

"Onii-chan! This is no way to talk to your wife"

"I don't care and I won't just sit around the house waiting for you to come home once a week" she throws back at me. She could've spared that one in front of my mother which is now staring at me in shock with a hand over her mouth and one on her chest.

"Excuse me !" Sahoko throws her napkin on the table "But I think I'm done for tonight" . She is already at the door.

"We need to talk." my mother grabs my arm stoping me from going after Sahoko.

"Maybe another time mom."

I follow Sahoko outside the house but she is gone and the car too,she left me behind.

What has gotten into her? Usually she never gets this angry. We had our arguments in the past,she would yell and throw tantrums at first and eventually she would give in,but she would never make such an important decision without consulting me first. It's not like she needs my approval or anything, she can do whatever she wants with her life as long as it doesn't affect me. I believe it is like a silent pact we both agreed on at the beginning, she would go on with her everyday life without me interfering and I would do the same. Of course we had the dinner parties and the events we would attend together,family reunions like tonight,barbecues and vacations. I thought it worked out pretty well this way. She was never too demanding or too clinging, she kept her side of the deal,until a few month ago when this kind of fights started to be more frequently. She even stopped saying that she loves me a lot of time ago. Maybe because I never say it back and it hurts her pride, or maybe because she doesn't love me anymore.

Pffff! I'd wish!

Life would be so much easier then. Of course she still thinks she is in love, if not, she wouldn't behaved so irrational before. It's not like I don't appreciate her professionally,she is a very brilliant and capable woman in her line of work. Is just that I don't want her around me all day, I like the things the way they were before,I'm fine seeing her once or twice a week. I have a very tight schedule everyday because I'm trying to get us back on the American market so it's easier for me to spend the night in the office. I am fine with it and I thought she is too.

I'm not happy with my life now, every day is the same for me,yes,no surprises around the corner, no increasing heartbeats, no sweating palms, no brain malfunctions,no bright lights or smiles,no more anger,no more angst, no more sleepless nights,no more questions unanswered,no more longing, but it's good, I'm not happy but I have peace, I am content.

I'm not happy with my life, my wedding ring still weights to much,still prickles my finger, but I'm content with how it turned out because I am done with those,my mood doesn't go up and down five times a day anymore, it stays the same all day long.

I turn around and go inside the house. I find my mom busy cleaning the table. She doesn't say anything but I see her shoulders shaking with silent crying. I should tell Sahoko to abstain from making scenes in front of my mother again.

"Thank you for the dinner mom, I should get going now."

"Oni-chan" she looks at me with glistening eyes "what happened to you?"

"What do you mean?" I ask surprised " Every couple have their fights once in a while,don't worry we're fine."

"I mean what happened to you that night in America? You..you just left, you never answered your phone,we were so worried and when we came home you were already out of the house,you moved,you never explained. I want to know."

"Nothing happened. I just got tired,that's all." at least it's the truth

"No! Something must of happened because now you seem colder than before, lonelier." I look away but she puts a hand on my face forcing me to look into her eyes." It's like a shadow always surrounds you, hiding in your eyes. I always thought that Sahoko will never make you happy. Now I know for sure.."

"Mom,please! " I push her hand away

" What happened that night? I always believed that in the end you and Koto.."

"Don't! Don't go there." My harsh answer interrupts her before saying her name " Enough with the third degree! I have to go home to calm my wife. Good night." I make an effort to not break into a run while exiting the house. I want out of here as soon as possible. This is why I always dread the dinners with my parents.

I arrive home around midnight. I open the door slowly,not making noises. Hopefully she is already sleeping and I can go quietly into my room and call it a day.

I am almost half way the stairs when I hear Sahoko calling me, I turn, I already know how this will go. She will blame me for something, I will calmly explain,she will start yelling and I will calmly turn around and go to sleep. Tomorrow will be like nothing ever happened. Always predictable. We don't fight often but it's the same every time.

Pathetic.

It's the first word that comes to my mind when I see her. She is standing in the door way, in a very transparent night gown,I can see almost everything through that, sluggishly holding a bottle of wine.

"Welcome home, husband. Did you remembered the address correctly?"

She talks funny. Is she drunk ?

"Of course. Don't be ridiculous. No more than you alredy are." I turn to go to my room

"Wait! No good night kiss for your wife?"

Now,I know I should just continue on my way to my room and not let her get to me but she is taking this too far.

"No, I don't like drunk women."

"No?! You don't? And what kind of woman do you like? Huh? Tell me,because I've tried to be all of them." She says pointing to an invisible crowd around us, making the bottle spill some wine on the floor.

"What do you want from me?"

"You don't even look at me!" she started whining "Look at me!" she yells

I go to her and take away the bottle.

"I'm looking, I'm looking,come,lets get you to sleep now."

"You never touch me!" now she's crying."Why?"

I take her arm and drag her up the stairs to her room.

"I think you once said that you like a man who keeps it to himself."

"Ooooo,yes! It's true. I said that. Of course you would remember everything!" she bursts into a laugh mixed with drunken hiccups " I love you Naoki!"

I say nothing. I think my silence got thro her foggy mind because she is finally silent. We are at her bedroom door when she stops and tries to focus her eyes on me.

"You know, I won't give up on my project tomorrow morning,so don't get your hopes up. We will work together. I had given some thought about this for some time, I have even picked someone new to work with me, I need someone I can trust around me." she is so drunk that I can barely make out what she is saying. I push her inside the room.

"I think you already know her!" she says right before I close the door


	13. Chapter 13

**What goes around comes back around**

I woke up early this morning because I have a long day a head of me. I have a plan.

If Sahoko is still decided on working at the company, I would do what ever it takes to not let that happen. I was thinking to talk to the share holders at the company to back me up on the decision. If one no wasn't enough maybe ten of them will do the trick. After that I am planning to form a business plan to give her, I want to invest in a new advertisement company that would be under her league, so she could still do what she loves to do but far away from me.

The house was quiet when I left. Well,no surprise there. After all the alcohol she drank last night I was sure I had at least three hours to put my plan in motion,if she could make it at all,that is. Hopefully she will have such a headache that she will need to stay in bed all day.

I just gloated over the fact that Sahoko would be in bed all day sick? I didn't know I had it me. Ohh,well,a headache never killed anybody but it will help my case. The last words she spoke to me last night still lingers in the back of my mind, bothering me.

Someone I knew,she said, will be working with her. I don't remember anyone who could do the job,I don't know many girls for that matter because I never took the time to know them,I just ignore everyone. Well, there is one girl….

My finger freezes on the elevator button at the office as the thought forms in my mind. No! That is just crazy. She was so drunk last night, I bet she was hallucinating . But still..

The corridors are empty at this time in the morning. There is only my secretary at her desk,waiting for me, I called her before I left home.

"Good morning."

"Good morning! Should I make you a cup of coffee sir?"

"No. I gave up on coffee,you know that." I sigh. Is so hard to remember that little thing ? "Do me a favor and call all the shareholders for an urgent meeting and make sure that breakfast is ready for everyone when they arrive. I will be in my office." She just stares at me. "Do I need to repeat myself?"

"But sir, everyone is already waiting for you in the conference room."

"Who called them?" I ask but already know the answer

"Your wife."

I can't stop worrying as I make my way to the conference room. I can't believe she saw right thro me like that. She surely kept her promise. I wonder…I wonder if that new girl I suppose to know is in there too. As crazy as I think the idea is I can't help to look around for her when I open the door. Nothing. The only woman in the office is Sahoko,my gaze settles on her, she looks perfectly fine. I hope she can see the silent warning I'm sending her right now.

"Good morning Naoki, we were waiting for you,take a seat we will begin shortly."

"Just what are we suppose to begin?" She doesn't answer me but continues to point to a chair.

"Is there something wrong Naoki?" Chairman asks me raising an eyebrow. I look at him and I imagine myself telling him exactly what is wrong, the kind of man I think he is, but I can't, I hide my fists into my pockets and as nonchalantly as I can,I take a seat. I already know the battle is lost.

The meeting was brief. She explained where she thinks our products lack in design and how she can improve everything. I lost interest by the time she presented us imagines and new logos. My mind wandering outside the office,outside the building and into a future I once dreamed to be living. That future is very different from the present I'm in. Everything I do is mechanic, like solving a math problem,there are determinant actions leading to a certain result and it can't change no matter what you do, two plus two will always make four,no surprise there like there are no surprises in this line of work.I once dreamed to become a doctor. I wonder how that feels, always learning something new,to be constantly challenged in doing better,everyday a puzzle to solve,to wake up eager to get to work and again eager to go back home to the one you love…and I stop right there,my mind recoiled from the thought, the self preservation instincts kicked in.

"….and I'm thinking to add someone new to the team, unfortunately she couldn't be with us today. She will start tomorrow as my assistant. I hope there won't be any problems with this issue." She is looking at me.

" I see no reason to ask for my permission." I gave the right answer because I see the chairman smiling satisfied " Why bother now?" that wiped it of his face.

I tell my secretary that I won't take any calls and I go hide inside my office for the rest of the day. I have tons of work waiting for me on the desk. I look at the stack of papers disgusted and think that today I really really hate my work. I open the files and try to concentrate but the words and numbers blurs in front of me.

Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

My mind keeps going back to the meeting we had and I ask myself how am I in this mess. I entirely lost control of my life when I thought I was winning it. Maybe is karma getting back at me for always being so arrogant, for never thinking I could be wrong. Was I wrong in this decision? Did I have the right to take all this weight on me ? What have I accomplished through this marriage? The company is ours solely with the name,the company my father built from scratch and I had to sacrifice everything for is now the shadow of what it used to be. My father in law was very careful to not let go of his control, he never stepped back like my father did and let me to handle everything,no, he gave me part of his shares and the other part he kept it to himself. He was very careful indeed,he kept his side of the deal,my company was saved but half of it was his and by the time I realized it, I was alredy married. Later I wanted to buy the rest of the shares but he said no and instead he divided them to a number of people,who of course are under his complete control.

I remember the day of my matrimony,it happened two weeks after I got back from America. They arrived three days after me and I was already out of my mother's house. That night I went to Sahoko's house and apologize to them for my sudden departure,they wanted explanations I couldn't give so when I told them I wanted to get married as soon as possible they just fell silent. Two weeks later I was married. I saved my father, I was a good son.

Everybody a round of applause!

Now I search my mind for the exact moment when my father asked me to make this sacrifice for him and I don't find it.

I feel it. I feel my mind drifting to the most terrible question I will ever have to to answer.

Was there another way out of the situation or I just rushed into the most obvious solution?

I stop my self from thinking any further because if I ever find the answer it will be too difficult for me to bear.

I stand up. Maybe I will find some peace at home now that Sahoko is busy with preparing her office here.

Home. I can hardly call it that way since I am more of a stranger here. I look around and I realize I don't remember the last time I sow this place in broad daylight since I always arrive late from work or not coming at all. There is a new collection of paintings and I definitely never knew we had a statue of Venus in the hallway.

I go to my favorite room in this house, the library,my sanctuary.I enter and the hard smell of books hits my nostrils. Nobody have permission to come into this room in my absence, everything is organized by me and things must always stay the way they are. I go to the nearest shelf and pick a random book, I don't look at the title and I lie down in the comfortable chair I have near the window. Finally I can relax. The afternoon sun is glowing thro the window so warmly that it makes me feel drowsy. I let my eyes close,enjoying the sensation when I hear the front door opening and closing. There goes my quiet afternoon! Maybe if I don't make any sounds she won't realize I am home. It was hard enough between us before,now after the meeting and the last night fight, I feel things got even more complicated.

I open the book I have in my hands and drop it instantly,landing with a loud thud on the wooden floor. It was a children's book,but not any children book, it was the CHILDREN BOOK. How did this book found its place in my library? I was very careful in selecting every single cover in here. I gingerly pick it up again,holding it with two fingers, as if it could bite me somehow and throw it away in the trash can I have under the desk.

I hear a knock at the door.

"Oh,there you are! I thought I heard a noise. Can you please join me in the living room for a minute?"

I take out the trash can from under my desk and hold it to her face.

"What is this?" I ask. It takes a while before she realizes what I'm asking her but when she does she starts to giggle. "I asked ,what is this?"

"Why? It's a book."

"I know." I say between clenched teeth "How did it get here?" I am losing the little patience I have. She doesn't answer

but continues to laugh,she is enjoying herself on my expense.

"Oh, you're going to love what's coming for you."

"What?"

"Nothing,you'll see."

"Stop playing games with me!" I throw the trash can at her feet " Take it away from here"

" Don't you think you're overreacting a little? What's wrong with this book. I like it."

" Good for you and so,if you like it, take it to your room and don't you ever come in here again."

"Look,I know you are upset about this morning. I'm sorry I had to go over you like that but I had no choice. "

"Why? Why do you say you had no choice? Since when this desire for working in an office? I thought you were an artist, who works when the inspiration hits you! Why start meddling with my life now?" I want to know what changed

"Meddling with your life, you say? I am suppose to meddle with your life, I am suppose to come into this room whenever I want and put into OUR library whatever I want,I am your wife!." She yells at me. We are both breathing fast

"I know." Believe me, I know.

She picks up the book and put it back in the trash can. I thought she liked it. Why does she throws it away?

" Can you just this once, listen to me and come in the living room. Please! We are expecting a guest."

I choose another book, this time I am careful to look at the title and make myself comfortable on the couch. Five minutes pass and I hear the doorbell. I don't bother to get up,I'm enjoying my reading and it's her guest anyway. Someone important I suppose,if my presence is required.

"Come,come,don't be shy. Naoki is waiting for us ." I hear Sahoko saying. I close my book annoyed for the interruption and get up from the couch for the introduction and the polite nonsense.

The next second I feel like someone pulled the rug from under my feet. I fall back on the couch the book flying away from my hand when I see the person standing in front of me.

Time stopped. I feel sucked in a void without air or gravity

It can't be!

I want to close my eyes and reopen them. Maybe my vision is playing tricks on me or maybe I have finally lost it,I want to but I can't move my eyelids. I am in a pure state of shock.

Kotoko

Just thinking the name I've been running from the four years makes me want to shrink more into the couch like a scared kitten. Fear. My blood runs cold with fear

"Hello Irie-kun! So much time have passed. " and she smiles, she smiles her bright and innocent smile, she smiles at me, she smiles,she smiles for me

Oooo but I don't believe her. I know how dangerous those smiles can be. She hasn't changed much, her hair style is different and maybe she lost a little of those childish features,a more mature light shines in her eyes.

She is here for two mere minutes and I'm alredy thinking about shining eyes?

I want to slap myself !

The rest, she is like a living ,breathing,memory coming from the past to hunt me.

I have to move, I must look ridiculous in this position. I try to focus my eyes and thoughts on Sahoko. Why? When? Why?

" You remember Kotoko,right Naoki?" she has a strange expression I can't decipher " Please Kotoko don't just stand there,sit. I'll go and prepare something to eat. I let you two alone, I bet you have a lot of catching up to do."

" Thank you so much for everything but I'm feeling tired. I just want to retire to my room for tonight,if that's ok with you. "

What room? Wait a minute.

"Sahoko can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of corse you can,we will meet up again at breakfast,tomorrow morning." She says to Kotoko and turns to me "Oh,honey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, always so busy but Kotoko will be staying with us for a couple of days until she can find a place to stay. "

Honey? Since when? I narrow my eyes in suspicion

"What about my parents house or her dad's place?" with the corner of my eye I see Kotoko's smile disappear

" Don't be like that Naoki! Why would she go somewhere else when we have such a big house and she will be working with me starting from tomorrow ? I need the extra hours she could spare me."

No No No No

"It's alright. I don't want to impose on anybody. I will go to my father."

" Don't be silly. He doesn't know you're back in Japan. Naoki do me a favor and help Kotoko with her luggage."

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDEN ME!

Everything happens so fast I can't catch up. I can't believe it. I take her bags and follow her upstairs. If this is a dream, please,let me wake up soon.

I open the guest room and can't help but have a deja-vu feeling and just like the first time I know my life got more complicated the minute she stepped into my house.

"It's ok, I can manage from here." She takes the bags out of my hands and dropping them in the process,spilling all the contents. I know she is offended with my reaction before. Good. Just go away! What did you expect? My eyes fall on her on the floor as she tries to pick up her things.

"I can see clearly you don't want me here. Don't worry I'll try not be a hindrance to you and your wife." She says that without looking at up.

As if . She can dress as a lamp, or put a paper bag on her head, she can became invisible all of the sudden and still couldn't be possible to ignore her

"Don't… don't try anything. Just...don't get in my way.

I close the door.


	14. Chapter 14

**"Lying is an elementary means of self-defense."**

I am wide awake but I refuse to open my eyes. I had such a nice dream,the kind of dream you don't want to wake up from. I don't remember what it was but it left me wanting more. I keep my eyes closed hoping I could stay in that happy place a few more minutes,but slowly reality creeps in and one by one yesterday's events replay in my mind. The meeting,how now I have to work with Sahoko everyday,the fight we had in the library afterwards, Kotoko.

I open my eyes quickly.

Now this is where I am most confuse. I am not sure if that part really happened or it was the dream I had and can't remember. That must be it, because there is no way Kotoko is now sleeping in the guest room.

Hmm, it felt real, the fear felt real but why leave me with this pleasant sensation in the end?

Aargh! I don't have time for this. I have to go to work. I must be quick so I can leave before Sahoko wakes up. I am still mad with her and I don't intend to let this pass,there are limits that she can't cross. Being my wife is not an excuse she can use for ever. Every marriage is different and this one has to go on my terms.

Fully dressed I open the door to my room. I am still under the effect of last night dream,a little dazed. Confusion reigns in my head. I feel like I'm missing something important.

I stop in front of the guest room.

I look around me for anyone who can see, I am ashamed of my self for doing this,I feel like a fool but I must get it out of my head.

I tilt my head a little to the door.

Nothing, no sound.

I look around me some more. I really feel like an idiot.

I take my hand out of my pocket and slowly open the door.

Empty.

I knew it . Just a dream.

With renewed confidence I go down stairs to the kitchen. I need a glass of water for my dry mouth. It's like I ran for miles in the last five minutes.

I stop and almost drop the suitcase I have in my hand because I'm looking directly at Kotoko making coffee.

She is always so clumsy and uncoordinated but when she makes coffee she is so natural, her movements so swift and perfect ,like a ballet. I can stay here all day watching her.

"Good morning Irie-kun! I made coffee. Do you want some?"

That's a tricky question. Do I want one?

"Good morning everybody. Oh Kotoko I'm glad you're up so early!" I hear Sahoko coming from behind me. " I see you made coffee. Good. Let's take a seat together for a few minutes, I have something I want you to look at."

"Yes,of course." Kotoko answers happily .

The logical thing for me to do now is leave.I don't.I see a newspaper on the kitchen counter and I take it not caring for the fact it's one week old and make myself comfortable . I open the newspaper but my ears are tuned on Sahoko, I'm curios to see what she's planing.

Kotoko gives me a cup of coffee and takes her usual place at the table,across from me. I'm scared at how quickly we both fell into our old routine. I'm scared at how I think we had a routine .Again I feel her gaze piercing through the newspaper and through my nerves,making me feel on edge.

Or is it just my impression ?

I fold a corner of it and I catch her watching me,in a second her rosy cheeks turns into a crimson red. I can't help but to feel a little satisfied and annoyed with myself at the same time. I put the newspaper aside and look at my cup of coffee. It's just a cup of coffee I tell myself, I bring it to my lips but stop immediately. I don't want it. For me it's more than simple coffee,for me is agreeing to having Kotoko back in my life. I have to be careful or I might find myself defenseless against the force of nature that is Kotoko.

"Kotoko! " Sahako calls her making her jump in fright,she startled me a little to." What are you doing?"

I see Kotoko's face going blank. She's looking down at the cup in her hands with a guilty expression. Just like a child being caught doing something wrong or in this case thinking something she shouldn't have, always so easy to read through.

I was right before. Again satisfaction swells in my chest.

Ugh!

"I..nothing. I'm sorry"

"What are you sorry for silly?" Sahoko says with a forced smile. "I told you I wanted to show you something,come sit beside me. Here! This is a list of all the things you need to do today. "

I watch Kotoko reading the list,and reading,and reading.. her eyes widen in response.

This is too much. I get up and take the paper out of her hands. This concerns me too,right?

Absurd! Ten o'clock,pick up the dry cleaning, eleven,prepare the conference room,make reservations for lunch,meeting with the UlC members, take notes,the coffee she likes and the right temperature,the hours she prefers tea instead? Really?

I give back the list to Sahoko.

"I never knew you were so needy."

"Why ? Is everything ok Kotoko?"

"Of course,of course" Kotoko answers waving her hands nervously

"Ohh,I know what you're thinking but you are not exactly a professional yet so you've got to start somewhere, right?" she takes a sip from the coffee Kotoko made and swallows it with obvious difficulty "And you should start with learning to make a better coffee. I'm sorry,please don't get mad at me." she smiles"…but this is awful!"

"Ohh!" Kotoko is surprised as me hearing this. She was always praised for her coffee,if nothing else. I always thought of it as a secret magic potion she makes so people start falling in love with Kotoko after drinking it. I guess it doesn't fit Sahoko's fine taste. "I'm sorry but I don't know how to improve it"

"It doesn't matter,don't worry. So,you think you can manage everything?"

Kotoko takes her time to answer, I know what's she's thinking,it won't be easy running around Tokyo all day. I see the resolve building up inside her,I know that concentrated look she has now, nothing can stop Kotoko when she puts her mind to it, I know because I experienced it first hand.

"Of course,I can do it!" she says that standing up with such force,the chair she was sitting before,falls back,hitting the floor with a loud noise accompanying her next louder words "You can count on me!"

"Aren't you adorable!"

"Thank you for this opportunity, it means a lot to me because..

"Oh Kotoko please try not to be so loud so early in the morning. I woke up with a headache and I know Naoki likes his peace too."

This got me a worried look from Kotoko.

"Ok,now,let's get moving. Naoki, I have some things to do before heading to the office so please be a darling and take Kotoko with you and maybe show her around?"

I don't say anything. What is there to say? I never thought having Kotoko so close to me,in a car,ever again,but I can't just let her walk ,she will have enough of walking to do today.

I take my briefcase and only stop at the door to put my shoes on when I almost have Kotoko tripping over me. I guess she wasn't far away behind. I'm not surprised,she never asks for permission.

Should I bring up the three meters rule?

I slip in the driver seat and start panicking when I see Kotoko climb in the seat next to me.

"Stop!" I say before thinking. She stares at me with her big eyes,one foot still out of the car,waiting for me to continue. "You should get in the back seat."

"Why?" exactly. Why? Because I'm scared of you? I can't really say that to her. I'm not sure either why I am such a coward. Isn't the past in the past? Better safe than sorry!

"Because I need to concentrate when I drive." I cringe inside the second those words left my mouth. Did I just told her the truth? I want to bang my head on the wheel.

Stupid! Stupid!

I'm scared to see the effect my words had on her. I wait for her to get out of the car and into the back seat when I hear her snickering.

"What?"

"Did you get your license recently?"

Ohh! So that's what this is about! She thinks I'm a bad driver! This is offending.

"Don't worry,you'll be safe."

I easily pull into Tokyo's traffic with Kotoko tucked in the back seat. With the safe distance between us I feel encouraged to steal a few quick glances at her in the rear mirror. She literally has her face glued to the car window.

"I missed so much this place!" then she opens the window and takes a deep breath" I missed so much this air!" First she takes one hand out of the window,then the other one and without much thinking she is almost out of the window herself,waving at the people on the streets and yelling " Waaaaaa! Hello Tokyo! I'm baaack!"

"Oiii! Be careful!" I almost run on a red light "Get in the car and close the window."

I make the last turn and we are closer to the destination when I remember she did not have any breakfast this morning.

I stop in front of the first restaurant I see on the street.

She should eat something. I know how important a full stomach is for her and with so many chores she has today,she will need all the strength.

I do this for me really, I don't want her collapse on the corridors or on the street,causing troubles.

It doesn't mean anything.

"Why are we stoping here?"

"I'm hungry."

"You are? Me too! I was planing to make myself a sandwich this morning but then Sahoko came and I …change my mind."

"It's ok,we can eat something now."

I let her order first and regret it. She is taking for ever! It's the third time she reads the menu,taping her lips with her index finger. It's driving me crazy

"Hey! We don't have all morning!"

"Sorry but everything looks so yummy,I can't decide! I missed the food too! Uhm…..

"Oiii!"

"Ok,ok! I got it!"

The waiter takes our orders and leave us all too happy. Kotoko puts her hands under her chin and sighs in a state of contemplation,watching the people on the street.

"It's really good to be back."

"Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you back?"

"Oh! I never left Japan for good. I always knew I'd be back someday,beside,here is where my home is and here are the people I love the most." She says that turning serious "I realized that running from your problems doesn't solve them, I'm here to face them."

This was the worst kind of answer she could ever give me. The kind that leaves you with more questions than before. Hundreds of them are popping in my mind right now.

What are those problems she meant before? Am I one of them? Why is she so willing to work with Sahoko? Is she so comfortable around us as a married couple to this point? What about Jason? What happend to him?Are they in a relationship? Why do I still find the possibility painful?

Plates are being placed on our the table and I watch Kotoko stuffing her mouth with food,enjoying her self to extreme,like always,like her old self. She is pretty much the same person I remember. The same Kotoko that I ..

What?

Thump!Thump!Thump! I feel the strong beats of my heart pulsing in my head.

I get up, making Kotoko gape in surprise at me.

"What? It's time to leave already ?"

"No..I..you should finish eating. I have in urgent phone-call to make. I'll see you at the office. It's not far from here and you shouldn't have problems finding it."

Outside I take my phone and dial Sahoko's number.

"Where are you? We need to talk!"

The elevator is taking forever but this way I am forced to think this through. I need to handle this matter with great care and make no mistakes.

It can't go back to the way it used to be.

I'm in front of Sahoko's office. I take minute to recompose myself,my clothes,my nerves,I must look the way I feel,a mess. Again I force myself to take things calmly. The urgency is only in my head. I open the door and I see her busying herself with some papers. She looks like she's been here for a while.

"Why are you so early in the office? Didn't you had things to do this morning?"

She doesn't pay attention to me. I take a seat. I can play this game.

"Why are YOU so late and where is Kotoko?" she only stops to look behind me "I need her"

"Why?"

"What do you mean,why? The meeting is in half hour and I need her to make some copies and prepare the conference room. I can't do this all by myself! Where is she?"

"She's having breakfast."

That caught her attention

"Hmm. Did you come to bring me some?"

"No"

"I thought so. What do you want?"

"I want you to fire Kotoko. Why did you hired her in the first place? I'm sure you can find someone else to go running around at your command ."

"I wanted to help her."

"Did she asked for your help?"

"Of course not. I was going thro some old photo albums your mother gave to me,when I came across a photo with the two of you. When was it taken? Before the graduation if I remember correctly. Looking at it I realized you two were pretty close,seeing you smile so…

"No,we weren't ."

"Anyway I was curios about her since I last saw her four years ago,I even sent her an invitation to our wedding but she never came.."

"You did what?"

"So I asked your mother for her phone number. Did you know those two kept in touch all this time?

"I'm not surprised."

"I called her and that's how I found out about her soon to come graduation and her plans for coming back home looking for a job so I gave her one. I think we can use her creativity here. Don't I get points for helping a dear friend of yours?"

"She's not my friend!" I hit the desk forcefully,sending needles of pain through the palms of my hands but my voice remains calm "I don't want her here,send her away. She can find another job!"

The effort I make to stay calm must be obvious on my face or in the whitening of my knuckles as I grip at the desk.

"Now,you see,I can't do that! What will she think of me?" she laughs me out easily

"I don't care! I don't want you here either."

"Look.." she finally loses her cold demure "what is the problem anyway? I get it,she's not your friend,then what is she? Your enemy?Why are you so nervous? What could possibly do to you that girl?"

You have no idea

"What do you want from me?"

"I want to know the truth! What does she mean to you?

"Nothing!" I raise my voice "She means nothing to me. Is that what you wanted to hear ? This is my company too,damn it! So do as I say! I want her fired! She is nothing,just an annoying pain in the neck. What good do you think she is? I know her,she is always causing trouble. I know her kind,always aiming too high above their heads,never knowing their place. Yes! I know her kind,I know she will never amount to anything!

A sound of broken glass interrupts my speech. A piece of cabbage rolls over to my feet. As I look at it, realization dawns on me.

No!

I may get my wish after all. But at what cost?

I let go of the desk and force myself to turn over to Kotoko. She is standing in the door frame,griping for the life of her to what was left of the meal she must have brought from the restaurant. She has one hand over her mouth,like trying to keep inside the words she wanted to shout. The words I deserve to hear.

Her eyes glistening...a pool of pain

I must be strong.

I turn back to Sahoko.

"See what I mean?"


	15. Chapter 15

**Mischievous kiss**

I don't have to turn around to see if Kotoko is still behind me. I know she's gone. I know she ran away in tears. I'm grateful in my own shallowness that I don't have to see her pain stricken expression again in this moment. I have my feet rooted to the floor and my hands gripping at the desk,holding me steady a few more seconds,untill I can end my act.

"See what I mean?" I repeat " She can't work under pressure."

"It's that what you call it? Working under pressure,what you just did now? I think it was little bit too much. Was it really necessary?"

"I never meant for her to hear. " It's the truth. I feel the need to say it outloud at least once to ease my constience. It doesn't work. "It's not my fault she likes to eavesdrop."

The truth is that I'm mad at the thought of how easy was to get through is she going to see herself clearly and gain some confidence? She should have slapped me and yelled at me and tell to my face what kind of a jerk I am. I could have taken it. I preffer a million times the angry Kotoko than the one I just saw.

This is for the best,I keep repeating to myself, this is not her place to be. I don't know for sure,it's more like a hunch but I feel that Sahoko it's not to be trusted. I'm under the impression that I just made her day,her face is serious but the amused twinkle in her eye and the sudden relaxed stance of her shoulders makes me think otherwise.

"I can lend you my secretary if you need so much the extra hands. I'm fine by myself."

"Will you join me in the conference room later?

"Leave me alone for today." I turn and exit her office

End of act.

As soon as I'm out of her sight I let out a long breath. I knew I had to lie through me teeth to convince Sahoko but I never knew it would end up like this. They come so easy to me now,the lies, bit by bit I feel like I'm turning into one myself

This is for the best. I say over and over in my head like a mantra.

What were my options anyway? Working together with Sahoko and Kotoko all day? It would have turned into a disaster.

This is for the best.I'm so distracted that I don't see the closed door to my office and I bump into it.

For the next hours I bury myself in work. In no more than three weeks from now we have the launch for our newest product and if everything turns out well,it can mean the end to our financial problems.

File after file after file build up to my left. My hand is sore and my head hurts but I keep going. Out of nowhere the image of Kotoko standing in the doorway with crying eyes,holding that plastic bag comes to my mind. I pierce a hole through the file with the pen, I throw it away.

Slowly the image turns into an older one,with Kotoko standing with crying eyes on the steps at my parents house. The contract I was working on,the last hour is now crippled in my fists with no chance to save it.

Damn it! I push away all the documents I have on my desk,sending them flying in the air.

This is getting me nowhere.

Strangely, watching them landing softly on the floor has a soothing effect on me,empting my head. The place is so quiet I can hear the light sound as they touch the ground, one by one.

It must be late. The watch says it ten o'clock. I completly lost track of time. How much I've been standing here? My neck is stiff and I think I'm the only one left in the building if the only sound I hear is my phone buzzing on the now empty desk. I don't bother to answer. I know it's Sahoko but I already decided to spend the night here,she will get the idea,eventually.

It stops and starts to ring for the second time,and the third.

Just what is her problem?

I take it and I see it's my mother.

"Hello?" I have a bad feeling

"Oni-chan! Finally !"

"What's wrong?" I can sense the urgency in her voice

"Did you know Kotoko is back in Japan?" Aaaa! Perfect timing like always,mom!Just the thing I need right now,a lecture from my mother.

"Yes. So?"

"She was suppose to meet us for dinner tonight but she never came. I tried to call her but she never picked up her phone. I even contacted all of her friends and nobody knows where she is. She's nowhere to be found"

"Did you talked to her father? Maybe she's at his place!"

"Of course! He is here with us. She was suppose to meet us all. Oni-chan? "

"Yes?"

"You were my last hope. Do you know where she is? It's already so late!Where could she be? You don't think something bad happend to her,right?"

"Don't worry too much,I'm sure she's somewhere wandering know her."

I hung up. I'm alredy out the door.

The night is cold and I regret the fact I don't have my coat with me but I keep walking. If she is not at my parents house, nor at her dad's or her friends,where is she? Think! Think! I know she was in a bad shape when she left the office but it's not like her to back out on her promise, something must have happend. Something bad must have happend to her!I pick up the pace.

The streets are busy with people,the traffic is jammed,I push through them but everybody is walking too slow. I feel like I'm passing through a thick portion of marmalade. I can't seem to walk fast enough and the worst part of it is that I don't know where I'm going. I keep turning left and right and cross the streets but my chances for finding her at this hour in a city as big as Tokyo,are minimal. Why is everyone so annoyingly happy and carefree around me? Don't they know someone is missing? Why nobody helps me find her?

This is ridiculous! I stop near a street lamp and lean my forehead on it, I have to calm down,the cold metal helps me clear my head. I'm panicking,short breath,accelerated heart beat,chills all over my body,as I recognize the symptoms I realize this is another first for me. What is wrong with me? I am famous for my cold self and fast thinking. I wanted to become a doctor,for God's sake,and perform surgeries! Panicking is the last thing I ever thought to be experiencing.

It must be the guilt. Yes! That's it. If anything happens to Kotoko,it's on me. The thought of going to the police station, crosses my mind,but I know it's useless for the time being. It's too early to file for a missing person,they would only send me home. The voice of reason is telling me that if no one can find her is because, maybe,she doesn't want to be found but I can't just go home and wait for her to come out of her hiding place so I decide to continue on my search. Later I will check the hospitals too,just to be sure. I check the time and it's already past midnight, I take out my phone and call my mother to see if she has any news. She answers at the first beep. It's not a good sign

"Hello?"

"Did Kotoko came home or by any chance called yet?"

"No, Oni- Chan. ..I'm so scared! Do you know what happend to her? Was she upset with something?"

"I..don't know." Liar "I will keep looking. "

I won't stop untill I find her,I promise myself. The thought of her being somewhere I know,New York or any place on this planet,even though far away from me but still knowing she is safe and happy with her life,I can live with ,but this...this...not knowing...having her completely disappear,is choking me, I realize now that deep down I always had hope. She might go to the North Pole or marry the king of England,as long as she is alive and well..I. .still hope.

I didn't know where I was going untill I find myself walking on the old street I took everyday to school. Nothing seems to be changed,the tall trees that sorounds the path are naked from the cold winter and their branches are moving with the wind,whispering in my ears the memories of a love I lost four years ago. I remember walking this street everymorning,always in a bad mood,with Kotoko trailing after me. And I thought having a cramped bedroom or a nagging mother were actually real problems! I am so affected with this place right now that I can't stop from turning around expecting to see Kotoko behind me. I must be more tired than I thought because I do see Kotoko a few steps behind me,walking slowly with her head held down. I turn around and continue my walk. Automatically my mind is searching for the reasons I'm having such realistic visions from the past and with the little I got to study medicine I understand that is more a psychological thing than a physical one.

Wait a minute!

I turn back around and blink a few times,she's still here and she's wearing the same clothes she had this morning.

"Kotoko?"she looks up at me and nods with a tired smile. I run the few steps that separates us and pull her into a tight hug. I don't care what she might think of it,I just need to certify she is really here with me,I don't trust my senses anymore. I feel her relaxing into my hug and it's wonderful, the stress and anxiety finally leaving my body letting the space to be filled with warm butterflies and happiness. She fits so perfectly in my arms,it's like it was meant for me to hold her like this. I pull away from the hug and my eyes start roaming all over her body serching for any kind of injuries. Arms,legs,head. Checked!Checked! Checked! She is fine. The warm and fuzzy feelings turns into pure rage.

"What were you thinking?" I ask her "No,I'm sorry,let me rephrase,were you thinking at all?"

"I'm sorry.."

"You almost got us all killed with worry. I've been searching you for hours "

"You were?" She smiles at me totally ignoring me scolding her

"Are you crazy? Why are you smiling now?"

"You were worried about mi. Wait...why were you in the first place? I'm nothing but a bother to you."

"Did you think about my parents or you dad? You know my father has heart problems,you could have given him a heart attack and killed him

"I know,I'm sorry! I was on my way to their house when I saw you so deep in thought I didn't want to disturb you and decided to follow you,for old times sake."

Unbelievable! She even has the nerve to joke around.

"Why aren't you answering your phone?"

"I don't have it. I must have dropped it when I ran away this morning."

"Where were you?"

"Nowhere,everywhere. I went sightseeing,I guess. I needed to think."

"About what?"

"I lied to you.."I'm waiting for her to continue afraid that if I interrupt she might change her mind."...I lied to you when you asked why I came back. I came back looking for answers."she seems to be thinking hard for her next words. "Two months ago I graduated from college and Jason confessed to me that day ."

An absurd rage I can't explain,explodes in my chest.

I want to shut my ears or suddenly become deaf. My palms are sweating and,now the familiar symptoms of a panick attack,are coming back to me.

"I...I didn't know what to answer him because for the past four years I ...I still considered myself in love with you."

"Kotoko.."

"No! Let me finish! I loved you for so many years now that I don't remember how it feels not to love you,anymore. I know,pathetic,right? So before I can give him an honest answer,I need to be sure of my feelings. I know you're married , I know you have a life but I wasn't sure my heart knows it too. That's why I accepted the job,that's why I came to your house. I came back to see your married life with my own eyes, I accepted to be close to you so you can throw the final punch and knock out any doubt I had left in me."

"Did you..?"

"What?"

"Did you find your answers?"

She smiles.

"No. I guess that's why I cracked like that this morning. My mind is working overtime lately."

"I think I can help you with that."

"How?"

I don't answer her,I just lean in and kiss the corner of her lips. I decided so quickly on this,that I didn't have time to properly prepare myself. I was not ready for the softness,I was not ready for the sweetness of her lips reaching all the way to my heart. My hands have a mind of their own,they caress their way up to her neck and face,pulling her closer,I press my lips harder. I want all of her.

I break the kiss but my hands are still not able to let her go. Now,how do you explain this to yourself Naoki?

"So did you find your answer?" I sound more calm than I feel

She pushes my hands away.

"Don't play with my feelings! Don't take it like a joke!" She's angry " I'm not your lab rat for you to experiment on! You can't fool me so easily anymore,so don't get your hopes up."

I think the only one I've been fooling around here,is me.

She sways on her feet a little,gripping m arm.I hold her still

"What's wrong?"

"Woow! I think I over did it today! I feel dizzy"

"Come,lets get you home"

I turn my back to her. "Hop on!"

"What?"

"I'll carry you!"

"Oh!"

I feel her small arms circling my neck,I bent down a little to lift her up. She is so easy,feather like.

"Oiii! You should stop eating so much!" I try to joke around to lighten the mood,hoping she will forget all about what just happened.

She giggles,her breathing on my neck sends goose bumps all over my skin.

"I don't think I can do that."

"You can come back to work tomorrow, if you want to and you can continue to stay at my house"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Yes,I'm sure. I want to know as much as her the answers she's searching for because I now have one or two myself.

 **I'm sorry guys I can't update more often. I hope you like how the story is going so far and I really do appreciate every single review you wrote to me untill now, I love it when you share your opinions with me.**


	16. Chapter 16

**"Listen to the mustn'ts,child.**

 **Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn't, the impossible,the won't. Listen to the never haves,then listen close to me...Anything can happen,child.**

 **Anything can be."**

 **-Shel Silverstein**

My heart is going a thousand miles per hour. It was the most awkward moment in my life. I just got home with a sleeping Kotoko hanging from my neck and Sahoko was there waiting for us with an expression that told suspicion. Or was it just my guilty coscience that makes me see things?

If there was a time in my life when a I deserved a glare that was it. Looking at the ring on my finger is like receiving a cold shower.

I kissed Kotoko tonight.

I am a married man.

Why do I keep forgetting it?

I just cheated on my wife.

I kissed Kotoko tonight. My heart starts going faster just thinking about it,if that was possible.

I must be insane! What was I thinking? I remember being so happy when I heard her say those words,"loving you for so many years",it was like showing a candy bar to a three year old kid, I had to take it! An overprotective feeling took over me, marking my territory all over again,like the first time I kissed her.

Four years ago I left her and my feelings there on the ground,in the freezing snow. I was convinced it was over,our paths were set to separate us, I couldn't find the strength in me to fight when she was hundreds of miles away from me but now she is back and she has doubts.

If she has doubts,does that mean I have hope?

This is so twisted. I feel like every answer I get,gives away another question.

Concentrate Naoki! The circumstances are not changed but aggravated because now, I'm married.

What kind of person makes me if I think I can throw my marriage away in second if I have the chance?

I hear a knock at the door behind me. I haven't moved an inch since I stepped into my room. Kotoko? I open the door the next second to find a startled Sahoko.

"That was quick! Why are you still up and about at this hour?" She looks at me and around me " What are you doing with the lights out?Can I come in?" But she doesn't wait for an answer and closes the door behind her.

"If you must."my muscles are locked up in place. I'm ready for it.

"What happend?"

"She ran off this morning and was nowhere to be found."

"But you did."

"Actually we ran into each other on the way to my mother."

"You were going to your mother on your own free will and in the middle of the night?"

"She was worried about Kotoko."

"But you brought her here instead."

"Yes,I decided to let the matter go and let you handle everything. What's this about? Is this why you came?"

"No,I was feeling kind of lonely in my room and I heard there's a storm coming tonight. Can I spend the night here?"

I can't say no. She often does this when she's feeling insicure or threatened. She must suspect something but doesn't have proof so she is clinging on me instead. I say nothing and go to the bathroom to prepare for the night. I take my time. Slowly put on the pijamas,slowly brush my teeth,hoping she will fall asleep untill I finish. I open the door and I see she has her eyes closed. Making no sound I get in bed as far as I can. She stirs and I turn my back to her. I know she is still awake because I can her breathing is not even and she must expect some sign of affection from me, I know her pride was wounded tonight and she wants me to make it right but I can't.

It feels wrong in so many ways!

I feel Kotoko tattooed al over me,I can still smell her perfume. I'm sorry for her if she is suffering but I have no fault in this. I never said I love her, I never showed her false emotions,I never gave her hope for more and I tried my best to let this marriage at the same level,a marriage of convenience. It never developed,never amounted to nothing more than a friendship. At least that was at the beginning but now I can see how,with time she gets more frustrated and even that friendship is fading away. I'm sorry but I'm not to blame if she got her hopes up for nothing.

My heart beating slowed a little and now I am able to think clearly. I am not to blame,true but what I did tonight was wrong. I just pressed the start button to something I'm not sure if I'm able to handle. First I may have given an oportunity to hurt Kotoko again,second I may have started a road I've once been on and led nowhere,third,Sahoko, if everything blows off it means four years of sacrifice thrown away. Three lives are involved, I must be careful with my actions from now on. If I let myself fall for Kotoko again,if I decide to give us another try I must do it right,I must have all my weapons ready because I'm not sure I'm going to survive another breakup. First of all I need to know if I have something to fight for in the first place. She did say she might still love me but at the same time she might not. What if she finally sees I'm not worth the trouble? As my mind wraps around this new concept for me,a feeling of insicure sends away the last hope I had for a good night sleep. It dawns on me. What are exactly my chances here? Looking back I can't find the reasons she loved me in the first place because she did,that's a fact I'm sure of but as they say you can never forget your first love, ours was never a traditional "first love". Never been on dates,no romantic walks on the beach,no sweet words in the moonlight,we don't have a meaningful song just for us,I never bought her anything to remember me or any of those silly things that couples do because we were never one. More I think about it more I realize I was always on the receiving side. I never gave her anything, so now I'm afraid,NO! I'm terrified at the thought that she will see no reason to continue to love me.

This is the last thought I remember having when I wake up this morning. I can't help but to smile though,it's been a long time since I welcomed a new day like this. I freeze in my joyful moment when I remember Sahoko. I turn towards the left side of the bed. Empty. The smile comes back to me. I get up eager to start a new day,I can't wait to see what troubles Kotoko has for me on her schedule and I stop in front of my closet. Usually I dress with the first thing I get my hands on,they're all suits,but now nothing seems to fit my mood.

Hmm. I scratch my head thinking hard. In her letter she said,the first time she saw me was when I was giving a speech,at the school opening ceremony,so she must like the more formal attire. I pick a dark navy suit. Or should it be the black one? I quickly change into that. I'm about to change for the third time when I see I have ten minutes left to get ready or I might lose her this morning. I run to the bathroom and what I see in the mirror stops me in my track. The smile isn't just a simple smile anymore but turned into a full grin and it stretched all the way to my eyes making me look funny. I look like I've been drinkin.

This is not right,I wash my face,she fell for the grumpier me. Now for the hair,there really isn't much I can do,same as always, I run my hands through it.

Ready.

I look at the watch I have on my wrist and realize I'm already late. I'm not sure I can still see her before going to work. With a last look in the mirror I exit the bedroom in a hurry.

Is too bad if I can't catch her because now I look forward for that cup of coffee.

I'm ready to break into a run when I see Kotoko's bedroom door opening up in front of me but it's too late to stop because the next second I find myself flying through the air and on my back. Ouch! Ouch!

"Ouch! Arghh!"

"Irie-kun! Are you ok?" She sounds terrified and I'm really tempted to play dead a little longer to see how much she worries for me but I can't stop to whimper in pain. It really hurts a lot.

"I'm fine" but tears sprung in my eyes. Very manly! I open them and see a blurred Kotoko kneeling beside me with a worried look on her face.

"Let me see!" She takes my hand from where I keep my nose in place and I feel the blood oozing out. Great! " I'm so sorry! This is all my fault! I was so late...I should've been more careful. Come let's get you up!" She puts my arm around her shoulders like she could really carry me to my bedroom and tries lifting me up. My little soldier! I wasn't ready for it and we both fell on the floor in a awkward position. She tries in a haste to get up but her scarf is cought under me dragging her back on top of me. This is getting better and better! If it wasn't for the blood that was spilling from my nose right now I might kiss her again. She is simply adorable! Clumsy as ever! The pain is all forgotten and without a warning,a smile appears on my lips making me taste the blood. It must be a really pitiful sight because I see tears forming in her eyes. Very carefully,this time she gets up and helps me sit too.

"Can you walk on your own?" She asks me

" Of course" I get up but she never leaves me,she hugs my sides leading me to my bedroom and I cant help but to lean on her a opens the door and stops "What's wrong?" I ask her and look around the room myself. Everywhere on the floor were sparse some of Sahoko's things,including her night gown and some of her clothes. Please! Please! Please! Dont let it be any underwear! I'm afraid to look anymore. Was she walking around naked while I was sleeping? Dammit!

"Nothing." She snaps out of it "Please go lie on the bed. Do you think you can manage that?" She doesn't wait for my answer though and disappear inside the bathroom. I sit on the bed defeated. This is not going so great so far.

I see Kotoko coming out holding some toilet paper and a wet towel.

"I told you to lie down. The bleeding will never stop if you sit up like this." I know that and I do as I'm told without saying anything. It really doesn't hurt that much anymore and I can probably manage the treatment myself but I know how much she wants to do this since she caused the accident. If it means she will feel better then I close my eyes enjoying myself a little more.

I feel her light touches on my face,she brushed my hair away and puts one hand under my neck holding it high as she wipes the blood.

She can be a really great nurse.

The next second I feel a large bulge of toilet paper was being shoved up my nose.

"Aouch! Careful now!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"Well you can erase the nursing out of your career options!"

She doesn't say anything. Strange! She always backfires at my stingy remarks. I open one eye to see what's going on and I see her deep in thought.

" I really am causing only trouble for you,don't I?" Was I going too far?What can I say to make her feel better? This is really something I'm not good at. She caresses my hair again,away from my forehead,without realising I guess,but it's OK, I say nothing to interrupt her." It was always like this,wasn't it? For you?"

No! Wait don't go there! You can break my nose every day if you want to!

I can't say that! Sounds crazy!

"Uhm" I'm really lost here. I take her hand that countinued to wipe the,now,nonexistent blood and hold it as I look into her eyes " It's alright! I'll survive!"

"You know, I was late this morning on purpose because I was avoiding Sahoko. I don't think I'm comfortable living here anymore...after last night" a blush " I'm thinking to look for a room to rent for the time I have left here.."

The time she has left here? What? Panic grips at my heart!

"Are you planning to leave again?"

"I guess so. I can see you're a happy married man. I don't know what was I thinking coming back. You always pay the price for my childish actions. It's time to get a grip at myself and grow up and...stop wishing... She said that under her breath and I couldn't catch it

"Wishing what? What's that?"

"Nothing. Something I used to do a lot."

"So now you're sure?" Sure what? It doesn't sound right even for me. What I really what to ask is if she loves me but I know she will answer me truthfully and I know I won't like the answer so I don't ask her. I wish I could step forward and lay my heart for everyone to see like she does,I wish I could do that and beg for some time so I can put some things in order before she can decide in the end. I want to but I don't think I know how so I do what I do best. I put one arm over my closed eyes and with the other I let go of her hand. "What you do is fine with me but if you decided to stop being childish you should keep you're promise with Sahoko and help her at work,at least untill the launch in three weeks or untill she finds someone else."

"Oh! Of course! I would never leave like that!"

Good.

"You're late for work."

"Yes,yes! I'm on my way! Is your nose ok? Again I'm sorry!" I hear the door closing.

I get up but remain seated on the edge of the bed. I look around the room,a room that will never feel the same again. A happy married man she said? Well she was never a very intuitive person.

I take the keys from the bedside table,ready for work but I never get to the office,instead I pull over in front of my parents house.

The house looks exactly as ever,never changing regardless the world that surrounds it. Here is where I was born, here is where I grew up, here is where I learnt to understand the world,here is where,after I understood it,I lost interest in it, here is where I met Kotoko and I changed,here is where I realized I actually knew nothing at all,here is where I found my dreams and here is where I lost those dreams.

I came to this place looking for something and now I know what. I came to regain those dreams back.

Four years I avoided as much as I could coming here,that door,always harder and harder for me to open but today,the irony makes it that,is already waiting for me slightly open. I push it further and go inside,my parents are at the entrance,ready to leave.

"Good morning!"

As soon as they realize it is me,they both come showering me with questins and worried looks. Mom is really fired up.

"Oni-chan! Did something happend?"

"Son are you alright?"

" What happend to your face?" my mother asks "Were you in a accident?"

"No! Yes! Well,sort of."

"What kind of accident?" I'm not sure if I want to answer that.

"Wait! Don't tell me..."she starts laughing " Kotoko did that to you!" it wasn't even a question! I raise my eyebrows in consternation. "What did you do to her?"

"Why does it have to be my fault? Never mind. Were you two going somewhere?"

"Actually we were on our way to you. We wanted to see Kotoko. She never seems to have the time for us...I hope you're not making her work too much. Why are you here?"

"Uhm..to see you?"

"Come then,let's sit together for a moment."

She goes running to the kitchen to prepare something to eat,I'm sure,leaving me and my dad alone. I know what I want to say but can't bring myself to.

"I can see,something is troubling you. Tell me."

"How are you lately?"

"I'm doing great! I eat healthy and do my regular checkups. How about you? How are things at the company?"

"The company is doing great too. With the next launch I belive we are getting stronger. "

"Good...good..."

Silence.

My mother comes back holding a tray.

"So,tell me about Kotoko. How is she?"

"She wants to leave again." I blurt out

"What?" my mother is gasping in terror "Why?" Mentally, I kick myself. How do I answer that? "You really did something to her,haven't you?"

"No!" yes " She has someone waiting for her in America and I...I can't stop her...if that's what she wants."

"Oh!"

Yeppp!

She sits,the cookies and tea,all forgotten.

" But you don't want her to go...right?"

This is it.


	17. Chapter 17

**If I showed you my teardrops,** **Would you collect them like rain,**

 **Store them in jars** **That are labeled with ''Pain'',**

 **Would you follow their tracks,** **From my eyes down my cheeks,**

 **As they write all the stories,** **I'm too scared to speak,**

 **Would you hold my face gently** **As you dry both my eyes** **And whisper the words,**

 **''You're too precious to cry''**

-e.h

I look into my mother's eyes and don't see a question there,but I see...pity? Looking back I see how I kept denying,how I kept turning things up and down,I battled with all my might,all my reasoning,all for nothing. We are here. She knew all along that it will come to this. She knew that her emotionally underdeveloped son will change just once and just forever. There is no point in denying anymore. I am a complete man ,emotionally,physically and mentally,in the presence of one person. That one person I know I am meant to love eternally.

If love is only for the simple minded idiots then I guess I'm forced to enter that category. I don't want to but I can't keep making things harder by denying it.

I am after all an idiot,not the genius,not the cool Naoki,just the idiot who fell in love in high school.

You were right all along,mom.

It's now or never.

"No. I don't want her to go." there I've said it. This is strange,I stare down at my knees,this is a new world for me. Never have I felt so self-conscious like in this moment. I cover my face with my hands,it feels hot and I wait for the storm.

Nothing.

I feel a pair of hands,gently prying mine away. I open my eyes and I see my mother kneeling in front of me and dad seated beside me on the couch.

"Honey..."she pushes my hair away. I see the tears ready to fall. "..my little boy.." she kisses me on the forehead "...you should not let her go again..."she hugs me and I let her. This feels good and scary at the same time. It's scary letting my guard down but good because I don't feel it's weight anymore.

"I knew it!"

"Huh?" I feel her laughter bubbling out

"I knew it." Again,this time with more conviction " I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! Ahh this feels so good!"

"Mom?"

"Just bear with me in this moment. I'm so happy! I knew you had a thing for her..you know,a mother can always tell...but say it,is it love?" she stares deep into my eyes waiting for confirmation I'm sure she has no doubt what so ever.

"Mom,please!" I shove her away. This is me emtying my soul and she's making fun of me? Oh! But I knew it will come to this! If she thinks I'm gonna say another word right now she's crazy...or...I can just do it and get this over with. I love her. I smile

"Oh! Just look at you!"

I love her. Still doesn't sound enough. Is there something greater than love? This is the first time I'm going to say this out loud.

"I.." I feel my dad's hand on my shoulder interrupting me. I turn and see him watching me with sad eyes. This brings me down to earth." Dad I have something to ask you."

"Before you say anything else I want you to listen to what I have to say."

I nod.

"I was fifteen years old when I discovered what I want to do in life. Back then it was an impossible dream,something you can't achieve easily but I was decided on it and I wouldn't give up. You know I come from humble origins,your grandfather was nothing more than a farmer. I came to the city with only one thought. I started to put the basis for Pandai and I needed investors but they were hard to find and I was young and inexperienced. I worked twenty four hours a day,I invested hopes,tears and blood in that company and I've made it, I made that dream a reality. I was never alone though, I had your mother by my side supporting me. If I've put the basis she was the pillar that sustained everything. That company is our family,my legacy." he pauses taking a deep breath." I don't want to lose it but I want you to be happy in your life as I was in mine. I don't know what is the right choice to make but I trust you to make the right one. Don't ask me anything. I've done my part as a father,I've built a future for you but it's on you if you want it or not. Think it carefully and do it,no matter what. No regrets. I don't have any."

I feel my heart plummet to the ground. The choice is already made but how am I going to do this? I love my father so how am I suppose to have no regrets? I look at him trying to avoid my eyes. He feels guilty in his own way. Can I continue with my life as I did until now? But if I let go of Kotoko this time,it's going to be forever.

"How did you know what I was about to ask?"

"Don't treat us like fools." He calmly takes of his glasses and puts them down. "Enough! " he says with more force."We were there the whole time,your mother and me,even Yuki. We were there when Kotoko and his father moved in,we were there in America. You may think you had us fooled but those glances you stole when you thought nobody was watching weren't always unobserved. Look...I trusted your choice then and I will trust it now. "Said that,he leaves the room.

I don't feel relieved at all. I came here to get rid of all the lies and I was expecting what? a green light,I suppose,a "way to go son"! Instead I received another pair of handcuffs. He may be physically fit,now,but can I brake his heart like this?

"Oni-chan! Go! You heard your father,what are you waiting for?"

"What do you mean?"

"Go and do what your heart tells you to do!"

"I don't think I can do that just now."

"Don't over think it again. Just go!"

"Were you here five minutes ago? Did you hear anything? It will tear him." I get up,my heart heavy " I have work to do. Mom? Do me a favor?and stay out of this,let me handle it,OK? "but she doesn't answer "Mom?''

''Do you want me to lie or tell you the truth?''

''No,I don't want you to make things worse.''

Outside the house the weather is warm,challenging me to brighter thoughts. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can have Pandai and Kotoko with me. Why does it have to be two separate things?

On the way to the office I gather my strengths to form a plan. The goal is clear now, I have to secure my position at the company, I have to convince one of the share holders to sell me the actions,making me the majority. I have to do this behind the chairman's back and I know just someone who might be able help me. It's the only person outside the family circle the chairman build around him for support, uncles,brothers,in-laws,I'm sure I can convince him but I have to play dirty. I may have to step on the darker side,to lie through my teeth,but I have the right reasons,Pandai was suppose to be ours from the beginning. After taking it back,I'm free to divorce Sahoko. Yes,I am that kind of man who throws his marriage away in a second if he has the chance, I don't care if there is no honor, there is no reason to continue with it,she may hate me at first but she will thank me later. She deserves someone who loves her truly. We've tried but that someone will never be me. All this,while I try to rebuild the love Kotoko once had for me.

I can do this!and I think I know where to start from.

At the office,confusion reigned the place,people running around,phones ringing. I pass through unobserved,cranking my neck looking for Kotoko. She is nowhere to be seen. Deep in thought, I almost trip on something on the floor,I take a long step sideways, avoiding to fall on my nose for the second time,today. When I look down I see Kotoko on her hands and knees. Of course!

"What are you doing?'' I ask because there was no way to guess

''Looking for my phone I lost the other day.'' I take her shoulders and help her up

''Are you OK? Did I harmed you''

''No, I'm ok."

''Can you call Sahoko for me and the two of you meet me in my office?''

She nods, staring at my nose.

''It turned purple!'' She points at it '' Does it hurt bad?'' she asks me with a trembling lip

Not anymore. Not now.

''Yes. I'm in constant pain.'' give me a hug and make it better?

''I'll go and call Sahoko.''she says all business like

I open the door to my office and breath in this new reality where I can stretch my hand and find Kotoko next to me,how sweet to get used to it.

The first thing I do is search my agenda for mister Takero. I look at his number and I whisper my wish,wiling it to reality.'' You are my last hope.'' Soon after I hear a knock at the door and Sahoko followed by Kotoko comes through.

''Did you send for me?'' Sahoko asks and sees my broken face '' Oh dear Lord! What happened to you?''she rushes to me behind the desk,turning my chair for me to face her. ''Are you OK? Did you had some kind of accident on your way here?"

''I'm fine.''

''Is it broken?'' She touches my nose lightly making me wince in pain ''You should go to a hospital!'' I see Kotoko biting her lip embarrassed. I know she is about to spill everything.

Don't say it!

''It's my fault! I'm sorry!'' she said it!

''You did what? ''In two long strides she stands in front of Kotoko

Hey now! What is she thinking? That she beat me up? I see no reason to overreact

''It's not broken. Don't worry,it looks worse than it feels. About today's schedule...'' I try to change the subject

''How on earth did you manage that?"

''It was an accident." Kotoko answers

"Can we please get on with our schedule?''I ask hoping to move her atention on something else

''What do you have in mind?'' Sahoko snaps at me,clearly still annoyed. I'm sure she's wandering how I can take this so lightly

''I wanted to ask if you decided the menu we're having at the event.''

''Well,we haven't got so far. We are still deciding the location. Why?''

'' I'm done with the papers and I'm offering my help here, so..." I invite her to continue

''I was thinking,if we hold so many guests from Europe and America,maybe,the japonese cuisine is the right choice."

"I agree with you. What do you have in mind?"

"I told you,I haven't got so far."

"My dad owns a japonese restaurant. He is actually among the top rated in Tokyo'' Kotoko answers with a small voice,watching her shoes. She is still as a statue

I look at her and I swallow the victory smile that threaten to show up.

''I guess so...Maybe you should head over there and see if he can handle the number of guests we are having...and I think you should take Kotoko with you,since,he is her father.'' I can see she doesn't like the idea but you can't argue the logic,can you?

I take a few seconds to answer. This must look like I'm wasn't planning this from the beginning at all.

''Maybe'' I say slowly '' But definitely we should consider some other choices.''

''OK,I'll let you handle everything.'' She dashes out of the office.

My conscience is crystal clear

''We should head out'' I say to Kotoko''we don't have much time to lose.

''Yes,let's go!''she answers me with a little more enthusiasm

I must say,I am pretty proud of myself right now. I wish for things to go on smoothly like this,from now on.

Can this count as date?I am not delusional,I know it can't be a real date,but can I least pretend?

This silence is heartbreaking, it's not fair for her to be so upset when my skin is tingling with anticipation for the few next hours I get to spend with her,they are so rare and precious.

I think this is the right time to initiate the next phase of my plan,this should give me a few extra points.

''What are we doing here?'' Kotoko asks me surprised

''I am buying you a new cellphone.'' I see her alarmed expression

''You don't have to.''

'' You need one.''

''Thank you,but no.'' This surprises me

''Why not?''

''I don't want you to.I'll buy myself one tomorrow. You don't have to do this.'' she's right, I don't have to buy her anything. Why would I and I can see from her expression she is decided on this.

''OK,you do that.'' It's not working. I can't see she's cutting me off,but what more can I do? My hands are tied until I can straighten things up. Now I'm suppose to sweet talk her,right?but that would be too obviously strange.

Can I let the matter in the hands of faith again? It didn't go so well the last time. If it's meant to be,then it should be,I try lifting my spirits,but what if it's not?

I start the engine.

I cried too,you know! I died a hundred deaths,I suffered the pains of hell

Please,Kotoko,wait for me.

Her father greets us with tears filled eyes when he sees us and Kotoko it's in no better shape. Seeing them together like this,makes me glad, I guess this could count as a gift,it's not sparkling and it's not pricey but I see she loves it just as much.

After not more than five seconds Kinnosuke appears from the kitchens with two eyes of the side of a volley ball and I swear,I can count almost all of his teeth in that wide hanging mouth. With a high pitch screetch,that makes me cringe in terror,I see him all over Kotoko,hugging her, the two of them jumping up and down while holding hands,like two little kindergarten girls.

I roll my eyes

Idiot..

I take a step back to let Kotoko some space to free herself from him but it's too late,he already has her,away from me and seated at a table,completely ignoring me.

Sigh!

I,too,make myself comfortable at the table besides them. Strangely enough,this feels good. I've been here, I've lived this situation before,this place,his constant yapping around,Kotoko totally oblivious to my discomfort,it's like I'm wrapped in a bubble of the past. A past where I had less worries,where I was free,where I had all the future in front of me and Kinnosuke it's really not that bad,he is just a little too pushy for my taste and good sense but he cares a lot for Kotoko so it's enough for me.

I can finally relax my shoulders and I feel a real smile tugging at the corners of my lips..yes..this is good..until..

I see him taking her hands in his again,kissing her knuckles..really?..there's this much I can take

''Excuse me'' I interrupt him '' I would like to order my lunch'' I say looking at my watch

''Huh? You're here too? Why did you drag this guy over?'' He asks Kotoko

''Kinnosuke!'' Kotoko 's father makes the three of us jump '' Go and take my place in the kitchen. I'll be having lunch with my little girl.''

''But..''

''Go!''

I can see his face going red and with a final glare directed at me,he leaves us,with his tail between his legs.

Yeah,go bark somewhere else!

Severly hours pass by in a blink. They were so deep into each other,at first and I could silently sit in my corner and enjoy the sight before me without interruptions. Kotoko was glowing,happiness transpired from her pores ,her face,the way she talked,her sparkling eyes were a light source itself ,illuminating the space around her,her bubbly laughter is music to my ears,a balm for my scarred heart.

''So it's settled then. You will be in charge from now. I will be back next week to sample the menu you decided.''

''Yes. I'll get on it right now.''

There is no reason for me to prolong our stay so we bid our goodbyes and head for the door.

In the car the atmosphere is much friendlier than before,maybe it was a good plan after all.

''Thank you.''

''What for?''

''For what you are doing now. I know you could've picked another restaurant,more equipped and more prepared for these kind of events. It wasn't necessary because I think you get to spend more money now since you have to hire extra staff. For whatever reason you had,thank you.''

''Since when did you became such a practical thinker?''

''Guess I had to.''

''You had to?''

''It's part of growing up,you realize the world follows these 'straight,no way to bend' rules so if you start abiding by those rules,instead of changing them,or,try to change them,things become clearer and...practical,easy to follow,you see how the nonessential becomes uselessness and,yes,it makes you more practical.''

Is she serious? I turn my head to see if she's making a joke or maybe an alien came and replaced her. What is she talking about?

I look at her and see she's as serious as one can be,staring at the road in front of her.

No!No!No! That's my world you're talking about! Yours is suppose to be a world of ''happily ever after'' and ''anything is possible'' and ''dreams always come true'',bright colours everywhere,a never ending day,maybe even a unicorn here and there.

This is the first time since she came back when I can sense the weight of those four years gap. My insides churn.

I press the acceleration,I feel like I'm running out of time and yet it's still moving too slowly. I can't wait to get back and call Takero,can't wait for tomorrow and meet him,can't wait for all this to be over.

 **Hi guys! As you see we are heading towards the finals chapters. I'm sorry for the slower and slower updates but it's a really busy period for me and a much busier one is coming,that's why I decided to put an end to Naoki's misery. Originally the story wasn't suppose to end here,the plot was set for three breakups,but I don't think I can keep writing for some time and I don't want to keep you waiting for months for an update and hate me in the end. I'm skipping another period of four years but the end it's still the same I envisioned so I hope it doesn't feel forced or rushed in any way.**

 **I love when you love it so please keep sending the love.**

 **Thank you**


	18. Chapter 18

''Mister Sato Takero?''

''Yes?''

''Hello,my name is Irie Naoki.''

''Naoki,hello!'' How can I help you at this hour?''

''Yes,I know it's late,I apologize. I am calling to ask you if you can meet me outside the office tomorrow?'' I don't know how much it will work but I cross my fingers,just in case. I'm pulling all the strings here.

''Let me think.. Can you be at my house very early in the morning? If you can't,you will have to wait for little less than two weeks, I have to go on a business trip after.''

''Yes,I will be at your house on time. Thank you!''

''Can you tell me what's about?'' I can't tell him,now. I'm home,in my office,the house is quiet and I'm not sure of Sahoko's whereabouts,she might hear me.

''I prefer telling you when we meet tomorrow,if that's OK. ''

''OK, see you tomorrow then. Have a good night!''

The phone call ended for sometime but I can't stop watching it's black screen. I'm waiting for something to go wrong. He may call back and cancel...or...I don't know,something.

Nothing.

OK! So the first step is successfully completed. I'm starting to believe that this might really work and if it really does work then I will finally be free.

''Free'' I utter the words out loud, tasting them

''Free'' I say again. It doesn't sound like a lie anymore.

I plop into my chair,allowing myself to close my eyes. Arghh! They sting. I'm just so completely and pleasantly tired!

Somebody is knocking at my door. What now?! I refuse to open my eyes.

''Irie-kun! Did you fall asleep again in your office?'' I hear this sweet sweet voice calling me.

''Kotoko?'' I open my eyes and here she is,upset about something.

''I called you like five times! Come,everybody is waiting!''

''What are you talking about?''

''Oh!'' She lets out a long sigh and comes to where I was siting, cuddling on my lap '' How many times do I have to tell you?'' She asks me but it's not on a arguing note,she sounds genuinely concerned '' Don't over tax yourself like this anymore!'' Her fingers draws invisible circles on my chest and I feel each and everyone of them. ''Do you want to go up in your room to rest?''

''No,let me stay like this a little longer.'' I answer her,my voice hoarse,barely above a whisper

''Was it that bad,today?'' she yawns in my shirt and places a soft kiss just a litter lower my jawline ''Tell me about it.'' I dare to move,afraid that she might pop like soap bubble and dissappear, my hand traces a line from her waist all the way to her shoulder and finally stops,my fingers nestling in her hair,which smells deliciously.

''Have you've been cooking?''

''Yes,I told you,dinner is ready.'' her fingers stops in their movement. She props herself up to look at me with a serious expression '' Irie-kun,promise me you'll take more care of yourself'' I nod ''I don't want to see you like this again'' I nod '' Promise?'' I nod '' Say it!''

''I promise.'' she finally smiles at me and I pull her back into my arms

''I guess we can stay a little longer. I love you,Irie-kun!''

I let my eyes close again on this sweet music, I don't feel this chair,these walls,this house anymore.

I reopen them and find the office empty,my arms are empty, the silence is deafening.

Just a dream.

It's late. I decide to go upstairs to my room,I walk slowly, I don't want to wake up completely , I'll go and continue my dream in there,those words still echoing in my mind, ''I love you Irie-kun!''

The new day greets me with a headache. Well, nothing that can't be fixed with painkillers. It was really a awful night,I stayed up through almost all of it. After coming to my room,as much as I concentrated to go back to sleep I couldn't. I kept pulling that dream back to me but it only drifted away. It's useless dwelling on it anymore,I have a big day ahead of me.

It's time for my final act.

While I get ready for work I hear some strange sounds coming from outside. Little thumps and drawers being open and closed. I don't stop to put on my jacket,I take it and leave to see what's going on. On the corridor I see Kotoko's door widely open. So it's her after all. Like I said it before,as much as she tries she just can't go unnoticed.

I stop in front of her room and see her in the middle of a pile of clothes and shoes.

"What's going on?''

''Oh! Good morning! Was I making too much noise? Don't worry I'll be out of your hair soon enough!

''What do you mean?''

''I'm leaving.''

''Where?'' I lean on the door frame for support

''Yesterday after work I called some ads from the newspaper and found the perfect apartment. I'm going to check it out today at lunch. I'm just gathering my things.''

''You need any help?'' It's the only thing to say I come up with. I'm still recovering from the shock. I thought she was leaving for good.

''No,it's fine,it's almost done.''

A ,little longer, I repeat to myself while I get out of the house. Just a little longer and this is the last time you will ever leave my side.

Mister Takero house isn't far away. Twenty minutes later and I'm standing in front of his door.

There's no need for preparing,I have it all memorized, I'm not afraid that I will forget my lines,I'm an expert. I feel just a little tingling as I press the doorbell,it's the adrenaline. I'm more than ready for this, I've waited enough.

An old lady opens the door for me.

''Hello! How may I help you?''

''Hello! I'm Irie Naoki. Mister Sato Takero is waiting for me.''

''I'm sorry,Sato left this morning. He had an early flight. Maybe I can help you?''

''Already? Did he left a message for me?''

''No.''

''OK..uhm..thank you.'' I look at my watch. I'm on time. A little earlier was at the crack of dawn. I replay the conversation we had last night in my mind,searching for something I might miss understood but the deal is clear enough for me. I take my cellphone out and dial his number but the robot tells me is disconnected. He must be on the plane already. I'm tempted to call his office but this is suppose to be secret,I can't let anyone find out I'm meeting him.

It's OK. I'll try calling him later. If necessary I will tell him on the phone the deal I have for him.

It's fine,it's not over yet, I still have time.

Yes,all will turn out well. I repeat over and over but the goosebumps won't go away.

When I arrive at the office I find Kotoko waiting for me. Just what I needed to forget about my problems,the sun shines on my street again. I close the door and she notices me,somehow that startles her.

''Kotoko?''

''Shh! Shh!''

''What?''

''Quiet'' she come running towards me, I've got to admit, my heart flutters for a second there, I almost take her in my arms when,she closes the door behind me.

''What's wrong?''

''I'm hiding!''

''You're hiding? From who?'' my temper flares

''From Sahoko!''

''From Sahoko?''why do I keep repeating everything she says? I relax,this should be fun. I go and seat on the couch to hear the whole story...wait! ''

''Did she do something to you?''

''No! No!..can you please keep your voice down?''

"Why are you hiding in my office?''

''I have my reasons'' she comes and sit on the farthest spot of the couch

''Which are...''

''Well...you see...'' she starts collecting invisible fuzz from her dress

''Go on.''

''I have this very detailed report I'm suppose to present in like two hours and I don't know how to finish it.''

I feel it..I can't control it..I try to, but I burst out laughing anyway.

''Hey!'' I can see her eyes growing bigger seeing me laugh like this '' Are you making fun of me?'' she's trying to look offended and not succeeding

''Don't tell me..you want me to help you?''

''Well, if you are like this...no...I don't need your help.''

''So you're afraid of Sahoko but not me? You know, I'm the boss around here.'' Well,soon enough anyway

''I'm not afraid of her! Just that today she seems a little scary..that's all! Like,for example,you know Rynnosuke,the delivery guy,he missed placed some of her mail and she fired him on the spot.''

Hmm..that's strange! She usually doesn't lose her wits around people. '' And I heard her yell to somebody on the phone earlier. I'm not here to bad mouth her, she must be really stressed out with all the things she has on her mind. I'm hiding here to finish my report and give it her on due time.'' There's something I'm missing.

''OK I'll help.''

''You will?''

''What choice do I have? We don't wanna stress her further,do we? You have all the papers with you?''

'' No! I'll go get them.'' She takes a folder from my desk and holds it up,hiding her face behind it.

Some things never change.

Two or three seconds later,my secretary bursts into my office without knocking.

''Yes?''

''Was that Kotoko crawling out of your office sir?''

Sigh!

''Yes.''

''Is she alright?''

''What do you mean?''

''You don't know? Your wife has gone crazy since this morning..oh! I'm sorry!''

''Don't worry...go on."

''She practilly yells at anybody who comes in her way but poor Kotoko got the worst of it. This morning she went into her office to deliver some papers and the next thing I hear her screaming at Kotoko and calling her some bad names,really offending.. ..and ...and..I went to see what's going on and Kotoko was picking the papers of the floor. Things went downwards since then. I heard she fired somebody today.''

I take a deep breath

''OK thank you. You can go.''

Exhale!

Deep breath!

Exhale!

One two three four five six seven eight nine ten

It doesn't work

Deep breath!

''Here they are!'' Kotoko comes in

Exhale!

''What's wrong?''

I close my eyes

''Nothing.''

Calm down. I must calm down. I can't ruin everything now.

''You don't look too good.''

''Show me..''

''What?''

''Show me the report you've been working on.''

''Oh..OK ..here it is.''

I take it and start reading it...there's nothing wrong with it.

It's perfect. I close it

''OK. Now,you take the rest of the day off,go see that apartment or finish packing. I will finish this and give it Sahoko.''

"But...I dont think its such a good idea,besides I'm suppose to do that. It's my job and I want to learn it.''

''Do as I say."

I'm confused, I can't get through this thick fog of murderous thoughts,to think clearly of what reasons she might have to go after Kotoko like that. The report was perfect,there's no doubt about it.

There is one way to find out. I will have to ask her.

I take the files with me and head for her office.

''Excuse me sir! Your wife is not in her office. She took off half hour ago.''her secretary informs me

''Did she say where she's going?''

''I think she said she's going home.''

Home? No,she can't go home now! Damm it! I sent Kotoko home too. What if they get into a fight again?

I start running towards the elevator.

Am I overreacting?

Am I being paranoid? Since yesterday I keep waiting for something to happen. Maybe mind is trying to tell me something?

I feel like a blind man without knowing all the facts,only this urgency to go home and make sure that Kotoko is safe. My vision is blurry,my entire frame shakes with anger. How dares she pick on Kotoko like that? Kotoko! The most sincere,sweet, lovable girl in this world. Everybody loves her and if you don't,you come to love her like I did.

Alarm bells starts ringing in my head. Something is definitely off

When I arrive home I go straight upstairs to Kotoko's room. Empty. The clothes are still here but she's not home yet.

Pull yourself together Naoki!

Now I have to straighten things up with Sahoko. Finally,able to breath easily,I go downstairs looking for Sahoko. I don't want to jump to conclusions,if I'd be able to make just one, I wanna hear her side of the story even though she'll have to be the devil's advocate to make me forgive her for ever laying a glare on Kotoko.

''Sahoko!'' I call her around the house ''Sahoko?'' but she doesn't answer. I know she's home,I saw her car outside. ''Sahoko!'' the silence is eerie. I check every room in the house. There's just one left. My office. I open the door and see her sitting in my chair with her back to me.

''Sahoko?''

''I can hear you.''

''So why didn't you answered me from the beginning?''

''Hm..let me think,to make you look for me?'' She turns to face me. She looks...aged. ''What happened,for you to come looking after me so desperate?''

I take out Kotoko's report from the back pocket I had it folded and sit on the other chair at the desk. The folders lands in front of her with a loud snap.

''This. I brought the report you were asking for.'' she stares at it

''Is this Kotoko's?'' she turns her back to me again

''Yes''

''Is see..you came all the way here to bring it to me personally. How thoughtful! It wasn't necessary,you could've left it in my office.''

''I want to know what's wrong with it!''

''Oh!'' she chuckles ''There's nothing wrong with it! I just hate HER!'' I open my mouth to ask her if I heard right '' So she ran to you,crying like a baby?''

''No,actually,it was my secretary spreading the news of my wife suddenly going crazy.''

''Hmm...''

''Did you say you hate her?''

''Your wife. She's right Naoki, I am your wife.''

''Answer me. Why on earth would you say something like that?''

''Why? Because it seems so impossible? You think I have no reason to hate her? You make me laugh Naoki!'' She turns her chair again to face me but this time she has something clutched in her hands..

Is that..is that..is that.. Kotoko's letter? ''You just couldn't let her go,could you?''

''Where did you find that?'' I point to the letter

''What about now? Do you still think I have no reason to hate her?''

I lost the ability to speak. My finger is still hanging in the air,pointing at the letter. Is this a nightmare? Is this my fate? For what sins do I have to pay for in this life?

''This?'' she looks at the letter in her hands. I don't know how but I still find the strength in me to worry about it, I am afraid she might tear it. '' Isn't it obvious? Where you had it!'' She opens the drawer to her left I had locked for years. ''Among these other thyngs ...this pink unicorn pen..'' I grit me teeth ''...this note,'I made you coffee. had a great talk last night',...this photo of the two of you sleeping...what's this?an origami little bird?hmm...oh!this one is my favorite'' she throws a old photo to me. This one was taken in America,my mother gave it to me,among other photos,I wanted to throw it away then but I couldn't bring myself to,so I put it with the rest I had. ''Just look at your face!'' I see Kotoko in her red dress and me...me..almost crying looking at her. Now I can see what dad's been talking bout. It was so obvious on my face in that moment,the love I have for Kotoko, it's like written in neon lights on my forehead. I never saw it like this, I always looked at Kotoko in this photo. ''Wait! There's more! I found al kind of things in here...''

''Stop it!''

''...a head massager...a lucky charm,which seems like it went to war...Aren't you a fluffy little thing! I never knew this romantic side of you!''

'' I said stop it!'' I close my eyes

''Why?''

''You've made your point.''

''I never had a chance to begin with,did I? You see now,Naoki? You see why I hate her?''

No!

''No! It's not her fault! She doesn't know anything,so stay away from her!''

''How is it not her fault? She stole you from me!'' She yells at me

Wow! She really says it like she means did everything ended like this? She was suppose to know all this,yes,but at the right time.I never saw this coming.. Now..now..everything may be lost.

Takero! Did she anything to do with that too?

I feel like I'm losing my mind! Oh! The irony! A crazy lough bursts out of me! In this moment the only thing I can think of is to kick and trash this place down.

''What?''

''You never had me! How can you lose something you never had?''

''How dare you...to my face like that!''she rushes to me looking like she might hit me

''Why is it her fault? You brought her here! Why? You hired her! You gave her a room,right here,in this house!'' I start yelling back at her. I still can't get a grip at the situation

''Because it was too damn obvious you had a thing for her,back then! I thought it will go away with time, I thought it was a stupid crush and I was brave enough to try but you...you..after years..you never gave me a sign of affection...you didn't came home for days...I had to beg for every single look you threw in my way...I didn't know why! I wrecked my brain thinking at why our marriage was failing and then it hit me... Maybe,just maybe he still thinks at her so I called Kotoko and brought her here to see with my own eyes..and I was right. It had always been her.

''Sahoko..''

''You used me!''

''Used you? You knew what you were getting yourself into from the begging, don't play dumb now.''

''How? How can you be so cruel to me? Even now! Don't you have annything for me in there?''she bangs her fists into my chest ''At least have some remorse!''

''Why? You want me to pity you?'' let me be the bad guy. What good comes with being the selfless one?

''So you can prove me you are human! What is it about her? Why is she so special?''

''Do you know what means to be genius? ''

''Why are you bringing this up?''

''Step into my world for a few minutes.'' I take a deep breath and summon the right words to me,I wish her to have just a tiny glimpse at what Kotoko meant to me '' You see there are many types of geniuses,the term is used very lightly today,one can be a football player genius,it doesn't have to be connected to the actual level of intelligence at all but there's a difference between smart people and geniuses. The first category,they can be ''geniuses'' in their line of work like sports,business field,your father is a genius,music,Mozart was considered a genius,sculpture,painting. If you have creative intelligence doesn't make you smarter though,it doesn't go hand to hand,you can't be creative without a high IQ. It can also mean skill,that can be learnt or developed through practice. Geniuses are born. Do you know that the probability of a two hundred IQ is one in seven billion? Speed of thought,speed of problem solving,speed of finding solution. Everything around me seems to be interconnected and every object around me seems to be complicated and yet understandable. A genius doesn't have a lack of social skill or empathy, I can learn my way through every posible situation,every line of work,for me it's easy to adapt to anything,if I find it necessary, but I don't. My mind does a flash jump to the solution and what for everyone is necessary for me it's useless. Like now,you wanted me to pity you,so you can feel assured you can move me emotionally but me ,pitying you,doesn't solve the problem,it prolongs it,the result it's the same,YOU CAN' T. You see,the world held no surprises for me, I may be seen as socially awkward,a jerk,strange,even my mother thinks I'm emotionally underdeveloped and maybe I am,but the truth is that I just don't care about the world,about people,they give nothing, I was bored. Do you know how hard was for me to go through hours and hours of school,math problems solving when the answers came naturally to me? Do you know how hard was for me,the burden of my capabilities and still be trapped in a cage of moral laws? Like my father and his company?That is until one day...one day a girl and her father moved into my house. She seemed so stupid,more stupid than the average stupid people,she was getting on my nerves all the time. If only I knew... You see that unicorn pink pen you held earlier was the beginning of Kotoko transformation in my eyes. She was determined to pass those tests..she was amazing! I already knew the odds are against her,my mind already took the facts and was sure about the result but she beat it,she beat the odds. I was hooked. From that moment my logic never worked,I was powerless against her, I was turned into the average adolescent. She was no stupid,she was the genius between the two of us, I had lots to learn and from that moment I truly experienced life, in that moment started my downfall into the man I am today. Meeting her made me realize I only knew half the answers, I started exploring new territories ,territories that have nothing to do with the logic and rules. It's extraordinary! My life became extraordinary! Do you see how important is for me to have her in my life?Do you see,Sahoko,why she means the world to me?You may be hurting now,I know,your proud is wonded too,you think you lost to someone inferior to you,but you'll get over it someday, you will forget about me. Me on the on the other hand, I can't forget Kotoko. I tried once,but my brain won't let me. I came home late or non at all because I was exhausting myself on purpose. You know how everything I read sticks with me,right? It was the same with her,every word she ever said to me,the way she looks in the morning light,the way she laughs,the way she walks,I remember perfectly. You think I can survive much longer if I let her go again? I don't. Mentally, I think I will go crazy. ''I turn around and see her staring into the space behind me. She looks calm,the crying is over,but something in that icy calm gives me the chills.

"Do you plan to leave me? Did you freed yourself from your cage?"

"Not yet."

"Nor you ever will. What about my feelings?what about my tears? You think I'm impressed with your story? You...telling me all this...think I can sympathize with you now? You may be a genius but there's something about human nature that you are missing,you see,us the average people,we often let ourself be driven by our emotions,and you will say that's useless,that the result will never change but I wish to teach you something new too,Naoki, I will teach you the concept of revenge...I will never let you go.


	19. Chapter 19

**Every storm runs out of rain**

 **Just like every dark night turns into day**

 **Every heartache will fade away**

 **Like every storm runs out of rain**

Dip! Dip! Dip! Dip! Dip!

This is annoying.

Big,heavy,raindrops are battering the window of my office. I look down on the streets and see that people are already scattering away,shielding themselves ,running around bumping into each other.

I smirk.

What's the big deal? Scared of a little rain?

Idiots!

I look up at the sky and see that more raindrops are on their way,a thunderstorm is breaking.

'' Are you trying to tell me something?"

But what?I shut my mouth closed. I watch some more the rain. This is the right order,first there is the wind blowing,then comes the clouds,you start hearing the thunders when you feel the first raindrops,then it turns into a full wrecking storm,thunders,wind,rain flooding and when you think the earth can't possible swallow any more water,the sun comes out. ''Right?''

I must be losing it.

Dip! Dip! Dip! Dip! Dip! Dip!

Why is it so loud? Every drop of rain is like a nail hammered into my brain,too much silence around me,everyone in the office must be on their lunchbreak.

I turn away from the window and search my desk for something to do,anything. My hands land on some files,rows and rows of numbers,I look at the date and is due tomorrow. I throw them away.

Tomorrow.

There's a long way until tomorrow,who knows what might happen until tomorrow. Without wanting,for the hundredth time today,my eyes go up to the clock I have on the wall,a few more hours.

Tic! Dip! Tock! Dip! Tic! Dip! Tock!

Now the clock has joined the annoying rain in my head. I give up pretending I can concentrate on something,my mind drained,my mind drained itself to death these past two weeks,two,slow,painful weeks.

Tick! Dip! Dip! Dip! Tock! Dip! Dip!

The rain is falling harder,the storm is at its peak.

Or is the time slowing down on me again?

I know it's impossible,but at this point,what do I know?

Two weeks passed since that dreadful night,Sahoko found out my secret. These two weeks had been the strangest most hardest of my life. These two weeks felt like two months. I've known despair before, I'm friends with it, but this is different, I'm at a whole new level because before I had a reason,a background,motivations,a goal for my despair,it was not in vain,it was for my father but now it's just plain stupid,worthless,undeserved and unwanted. I remember perfectly the evil glimpse I caught in her eyes before she left my office banging the door,making the house walls tremble,she did make quite an exit, ''I will teach you the concept of revenge'',well,I was left speechless,so I must give it to her and finally the most prized award for the Evil Queen of the month goes to, Sahoko!

A round of aplouse for our winner!

Sahoko. Just thinking her name leaves me with a sour taste and I think,I really think that she did managed to teach me something,She Who Must Not Be Named teached me how to hate her.

I think I came to hate that woman,or I'm very close to it because even though I believe hating is a tiresome process, a useless way to spend your energies,I can't help it,I can't avoid it, everytime I'm in her presence I can't even stand looking at her, I simply dispize anything about her. As much energy I try to put into avoiding to lower myself to her level and play to her games, I can't. These two weeks she had me cornered,tied my hands and my will,with nothing left for to do than just this time I felt like trapped in the eye of a hurricane,stilled in silence and fear,powerless,with the world crumbling down around me, like I was trapped in a space with no idea where is up and down,I felt like I was sent to purgatory to pay for some God knows what sins I've committed.

All this time I prayed for some resolution.

I'm still praying.

Di! Dip! Dip! Dip! Tick! Dip! Dip! Dip!

Sato never answered his phone. This morning I contacted his secretary and she told me he was coming back this evening but she refused to tell me with which flight.

Again my eyes go up to the clock.

I'm planning to go to the airport either way and plant myself there until I see him and find out just what the hell is going on! Where I messed up? Where was the flaw in my plan? Why was Sahoko was searching my office? Why he never answered his phone and if she had anything to do with it. Until I find something,I can't commit to any conclusion. I can't afford any more miscalculations.

I replay the events af that night and keep wandering why I haven't seen it coming,because I like to think I'm a perspicacious person but she turned into a complete stranger for me. Where did that posed,educated and yes,why not sweet lady had gone to? Now I realize that I never took the time to really know her,to get between the multiple layers a person is made of. I just took what she wanted me to take and saw what she wanted me to see. I never cared enough.

That lady is pure evil!

I feel my temper rising again just remembering. In my blind vision of her,I expected a normal reaction,like any betrayed woman would do,yelling,denial,tears,a slap or two but most of all I thought higher of her. I thought she would keep her pride in the end and lose with some grace but that never happened. I expected her to go running to her father after,for that I was preparing with the help of Sato,I should have won,but that never happened either,as far as I know he is still oblivious to everything.

That night,soon after she left me in that numbness state,trying to put together the loose ends of my brain I hear a familiar,cheerful ''I'm home!''. I would recognize that voice everywhere. I think,even if I am dead it would still have the power to cheer me up to the thought that she is finally home. But not that night. I was scared of a confrontation between the two of them, I don't know exactly what was I afraid of,I only knew that Kotoko must leave the house that night and be out of Sahoko 's claws.

I quickly opened the door to find a surprised Kotoko staring back at me. Sahoko was nowhere to be seen.

''You're home.''I said matter-of-factly ''How was the apartment? '' I didn't wait for an answer and start pushing her towards the stairs.'' I will help you with the luggage.''

She said nothing in return. I didn't have the time to worry about the wrong assumptions she surely made. I'm sure I hurt her feelings for the millionth time but I promised myself I will make it up to her one day but not that night. I was determined to even rent a hotel room if she had refused the apartment.

I was scared.

She started to climb the first steps when I see Sahoko 's high heels at the top of the stairs. Instinctively I grabbed Kotoko ' s upper arm and dragged her behind,but the thing didn't go smoothly and I had her almost stumbling to the ground. I don't know whose fault was,if it was due to her usual clumsiness or if it was for the way I pulled her. I caught her right on time though and held her straight. ''What's wrong?'' She asked me the most logical question possible but what was I supposed to answer? ''Hmm... Forget about the luggage and just go. I will bring them to you tomorrow.'' I cringed inside at the harsh tone I used. So much mending I will have to do. I saw her expression fall and started turning around to leave when she noticed Sahoko coming our way.

She stopped.

I swallowed .

I took a step in front of Kotoko and watched Sahoko coming downstairs,her eyes locked on Kotoko all the time,like a hawk. I take another step leaving Kotoko behind and mouth a silent warning to Sahoko when...the earth stopped spinning,the trees turned blue and pigs started to fly... she smiled at me.'' Honey I missed you so much today! I had such a long hard day!''she whined and gave me a little peck on the cheek,after she put her arms around me and leaned her head on my chest. Feeling her weight on me,woke me up from the surprised state and pushed her from me.

Knowing Kotoko was behind me,my first thought was to take her hand and run away,far away..forget about everything,to leave for good,for eternity.

Sigh!

Can somebody blame me?

I stopped in time. My conscience caught up on me again

That was not the time for rash decisions. I remained like that,not daring to look at Kotoko.

'' Sweetie,what's wrong? Are you embarrassed because of Kotoko?'' She asked me,honey falling from her lips ''You there!''she pointed at Kotoko ''Tell me,have you decided to move out?''then she took my arm forcing me to turn around and face Kotoko.

I couldn't take it.

I knew where Sahoko was getting at. I just moved my eyes from Kotoko's face and glued them on a spot above her head. I saw it moving in affirmation.

''Oh! I'm sorry I don't want to sound rude'' Sahoko continued waving the air in front of her '' But I'm glad you did because,my husband and I need some time alone and it's just uncomfortable with you around. Don't take it personally,I'm sure you understand!''once again she hangs her self from my arm and I wished it was by her neck.

'' Of course,of course!'' I heard Kotoko answering ''Irie-kun!'' I was forced to look at her. I don't think I ever saw Kotoko so embarrassed like that time. ''I would really appreciate if you could bring me those bags tomorrow. I will send the adress by email.'' She started backing away ''Thank you for everything you did for me so far,both of you. Thank you! ''

It was excruciating.

''Well,goodnight then! I'm on my way!''

''Let me drive you.'' I offered hopefully.

''Do you have to?''Sahoko whined clinging even more to me.

''No! No! No! ''of course Kotoko answered as expected ''I will manage myself. I'll take a cab there. Don't worry for me!'' She fumbled with the door more time than she should have and with another thank you she was gone.

Gone.

Again I felt the familiar sensation,like the life was sucked out of the house.

As soon as the door was closed I shook Sahoko from me.

''Just what do you think you're doing?''I asked her but knew the answer

''What do you think I'm doing? Just do the flash jump to your conclusion honey, you know I keep my promises.'' I turn around and grab my jacket. I wasn't planning to spend another five minutes in that hell hole. I was at the door ready to leave when I heard her yelling.

''Don't you dare go after her Naoki! If you do that,if you leave this house tonight, you can kiss your dad's company goodbye.''

She had me. Maybe she was bluffing but I wasn't sure. I stayed that night and the night after,for two whole weeks I went home with her every night.

The evil queen deserves her name.

The day after for example, when I was getting ready to leave the office I find Sahoko at the door with a bouquet of flowers,jumping into my arms thanking me for them. I pushed her away thinking she was crazy,I never sent her flowers when I noticed Kotoko behind her.

She started to act so clingy at the office,that people were beginning to whisper behind our backs. It went on and on everyday,she knew I couldn't do anything and it was getting worse.

It's worse because I know why Kotoko came back. She came back to convince herself I was leading a happy life so she could finally let go of me. It's worse because Sahoko it's doing the exact thing,it's like she saw through her and she's pushing the right buttons.

Dip! Tick!Dip! Dip! Dip! Tock!

Kotoko left my house that night for the second time and since then I never dared to look into her eyes again, I know what I'll see there and I'm hanging here by a mere hope,the last one,that when all this is over she will still care enough for me to stay and listen to my reasons.

Sigh!

If she only knew how all my life,my dreams,my hopes are all about her and nothing else.

Well it was good to know she was around the office every day, I'm glad she kept her promise and never left. I can only imagine how painful must of been for her being here with Sahoko acting like this but her sense of duty was stronger. What an amazing person, I'm in awe.

I'm glad actually,I was counting on her to do so because tomorrow is the big day,the launch day and I know that the day after tomorrow there will be nothing to keep her here any longer. Hopefully until tomorrow everything will be set up straight again...

Actually...

I pick up my car keys.

It's time for me to go to the airport.

Outside my office I bump into Kotoko.

''Oh!''she says nothing and hands me a pink envelope

''What's this?'' I ask her

''You're wife sent this to you and ask if you could join her tonight for dinner. In the envelope it's an invitation to a restaurant celebrating couples night.'' She hands it to me for the second time.

I look at her..

Finally I take the courage to really look at her tiny figure,standing in front of me in a knee lenght grey skirt and jacket,very professional,very cold, but still I can see the tiny pink flower she hid in her hair.

That little flower was all what was left af the old Kotoko.

What happened to her?

She looks way too thinner,and even smaller,if that's possible and the..

And the eyes..

Something is wrong

She looks at me like I'm made of glass

What happened to her?

I...it was I who did this to her.

Jason's words come back to me,hitting me between my eyes,like a rock.

I did it again..again I held on to her,I made leverage of her sense of duty,making her stay here in the office,forcing her to put on with Sahoko's revenge,for me..for my reasons, again I thought I had the right to do this to her.

I look at her and can't believe how much she changed in two weeks, I never knew the amount of damage,of hurt...

Please forgive me.

I look at her and hope she can read the plea in my eyes.

I look at her hand stretched in front of me,and it's slightly trembling holding that invitation...that invitation..that stupid invitation,Sahoko..I hate her..

I will no longer play to Sahoko games...whatever outcome my encounter with Sato will have tonight,if he will sell me or not those shares I no longer care. Too much anyway.

God! Please let me be this petty little,selfish human been.

I have already chosen the company and dad's pride the first time and made none of us happy.

This time I will chose right.

I will kiss the company goodbye,like Sahoko wanted me,let her keep it,let her drown in it...

The day after tomorrow if Kotoko wants me I will leave this place with her.

I wonder what's she's thinking right now,seeing me staring at her without a word. She pulled the envelope to herself again.

Suddenly I feel jittery for what I'm about to do.

I put my arms on her shoulders startling her and slowly I lean my head closer..closer...i see her eyes grow bigger...closer...my breath takes in her smell making me feel lightheaded...I stop when our noses level up.

''You can tell Sahoko, no. Tell her I won't join her tonight.''

Game over.

I hope it is game over.

Please let it be over.

It will be over.

But..what do I know?

 ****I have no words to describe how sorry I am for making you wait for so long.**

 **Thank you so much for the support and the patience you all have given me,I truly appreciate it.**

 **This is the new chapter and hope you like it. I wanted it to be longer to make up for the wait but it ended itself. I swear it has a life of its own.**

 **I will try to post another one much sooner,I promise.**

 **All aboard! We are heading to Naoki's happy ending**


	20. Chapter 20

Meant to be

I can see him. I hope I'm not wrong, but I really believe that's the the top of Sato Takero head I'm seeing.

I finally found him.

I somehow manage to breathe easy, even though the hardest part it's still ahead of me. I feel my shoulders slush and my feet tingling with pain,the tension leaving my body. I calculate the direction he's going and I start walking the same way.

He walks fast and with his head down, I'm afraid he won't notice me.

I'm here to do my duty for the last time, I should play this last card ,I might still have a chance to win the company back and if I don't,it doesn't change anything...

I think I quit my job today.

I'm surprised at how comfortable I am at the thought,almost happy.

What I shall do with my future is still a mystery to me but as long I have Kotoko, I can raise goats and still be happy. Yeah! I bet she could make a twist out of that one too.

"Hello,sir! It's nice to have you back." I talk before he bumps right into me.

"Naoki? What are you doing here?"

"Well,as you know I've been waiting to talk to you for some time but you left that day and couldn't reach you as much as I tried..." It's so obvious how nervous he is,avoiding my eyes and fidgeting with his tie but I ignore it and continue coolly. I'll just get it over with quickly and be done for ever and ever. "I don't think this is the right place to ask you this but I believe I won't see you again after today so...

"You're right Naoki this is not the right place,nor the right moment. We should meet again tomorrow because I have things to do now"

"I want to buy your part at the company." I throw it out there but as expected it doesn't come as a surprise to him.

"I don't have them anymore."

I don't get it.

"What do you mean?"

"It's too late...I already sold them, Naoki, I'm sorry..''

I see it again,I see the cross road define in front of me. Should I choose to stay on this path,there is no possibility for my father to ever regain his legacy.

I'm sorry dad,nothing can change my resolve now, I hope you can forgive me.

Can't believe the nerve of this guy though!

''No, you're not. If you were,if you had any respect for me or my father you would've come to us first before selling them to a stranger.''

''I am no stranger Naoki! You deeply offend me man! Don't blame this dude here, it's just the cruel world of business. "

I recognize this voice. I can't believe it!

Jason!

I don't turn around.

I refuse to accept his presence.

I don't want to see his stupid face.

This is a nightmare!

I... only ...have this the urge to kill the guy I have in front of me. I grab his already loose tie with the intention to strangle him but my hands turned into popsicles and can't move them right, maybe I should grab his neck and do the job bare handed.

''What have you done?'' he starts mumbling something "What have you done?'' I ask him again yelling but in the noise of the airport, my voice is just a whisper. ''You sold the shares to this guy? Who told you ?

''Hey don't lose it now Naoki. This is so not you!'' Jason easily pushes Sato away from me ''People are looking at you and they might see some emotions. Do you want them to call the news? ''

He jokes! He dares to joke on my expense! I try to calm down, I close my eyes and massage the back of my head,slowly I begin to think clear. I don't care anymore about the company, remember? But this guy...did it really had to be him?

Who wrote my destiny? Shakespeare?

No!

No! No! No!

Kotoko! He is here for Kotoko!

No! No! No!

I open my eyes and stare him for the first time. I take a step closer to make sure he can hear loud and clear my next words because I won't repeat them. I hope he can see the seriousness in my eyes.

''Listen to me carefully now. Thinking about it I'm not that much surprised that you're here. It fits so well with my life story that I've almost seen it coming. You want that much Pandai? Take it,you can have it,I swear I won't even hold a grudge against you but be careful,whatever ulterior motives you have for being here, forget it, I won't let you..don't ever, ever cross paths with Kotoko,don't see her,don't call her,don't even think her name. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"You're English is perfect!"

"Stay away from her!''

I turn around and pick up the pace. I must find Kotoko!

''Never!'' I hear him calling after me.

I start running.

Raining again. It goes with the scenery though,my cloudy mood with the cloudy sky, this shitty world with the shitty town and traffic.

Left...right..left...right...

I watch,one by one, the tip of my shoes coming out from under the heavy raincoat I have on me and I am even counting the steps. This helps me clear my head from the rage I had boilling inside moments ago. I left the airport running and couln't stop untill I was out of breath. I struggle to keep a normal pace even now, but it helps me think, I must think carefully, I must be able to think, it's all I have to get me out of troubles.

When I see too many drops of water collecting on my pants it means I forgot to keep the umbrella straight again and pull it forward, it's working because now I know where I'm going and I know what I have to do, find Kotoko and say or do whatever is necessary to keep her away from Jason and Sahoko and their evil plans.

Sahoko should have known better, the only leverage she had is gone and now, despite her struggles, my way it's free. I'm free to go after Kotoko to the ends of this world if necessary.

I arrive in front of the building where she lives. It's almost nighttime but not a twinkle of light is coming from any window and as far as I know is too early to go to bed yet so I believe she's not home yet.

Great...

The office is closed and I have no other idea where she might be so I decide to stay put and wait here, at some point she has to come back home. My mind slipped of its own at the idea that Jason already caught on her first and they could be in some cozy coffee shop together while I wait here...alone..in the rain..like an idiot.

I stop the thought before evolving into a nightmare. Jealousy it's something I will never get used to, I'm sure she is in a cab, stuck in traffic on the way home.

Come to think of it,I should have brought my car too. Why didn't I? I could be so much more comfortable right now. Instead, I have my clothes soaked, my head hurts from the continuous noise the rain is making, so annoying!I can't possibly pry my fingers away from this umbrella even if I want to and I have a cold.

Maybe I haven't thought things through enough. The coward inside me speaks again.

Too late now.

She's here.

"Irie-kun!"

How am I gonna do this?

"Why are you here?" A logical question

"Because I need to talk to you. "

"You should have called and told me you wanted to meet with me. I would've come earlier. "

Damn it! She's right of course!I forgot I have a cellphone. This is ridiculous!

"Is everything alright? " I can see she is worried. I would be worried to,I if could see myself rightnow.

"Kotoko...I..."

"Let's go inside first."

"No." Jason might be on his way

"What? Why?"

"Can you please trust me and come with me?"

She blinked. Once. Twice

That's it. No answer.

I take out my phone,glad I can remember it's utility now and text for a taxi.

My heart is beating so fast right now, I'm afraid it will fly out of my chest. How on earth I am going to take out of me, years and years of pains and sufferings and lies for her to see? Because I want her to see and know everything,I want her to see my naked soul, the coward inside me, the liar inside me, I want her to know what I've been through,the reasons behind the choices. I want her to see the love too, I want to show her how much I loved her, how much I love her still. I want to apologize, to beg for forgiveness,I want her to understand me, to forgive me, to love me back but for all this I need a lifetime. Some hours aren't enough and definitely not standing in the middle of the street with the rain pouring on us.

"I don't understand."

I know, my thoughts aren't crystal clear either.

Silence settles between us.

The rain is pushing me more and more down on the muddy ground. I'm tired and I have a fever.

"Will you come with me?" I stretch my hand waiting for her to join me. "I will explain everything later but for now can we please get in the car?" I open the door for her and when I turn around I see she is not coming,instead, remaines glued to her spot starring at me. No questions, nothing. "Please."

I'm afraid, I'm so afraid. The heartbeats matches the raindrops,the seconds turn slowly to minutes but I have no intention to give up. I will wait as much as she needs me.

Finally I see her moving slowly towards me. Is she blushing? This gives me hope.

I sit beside her,no, I collapse beside her in the car and give the directions to an old country house my family owns. Just a thirty minutes drive, but nobody will know where we are and nobody will disturb us. She keeps quiet and this sweet sweet feeling, I don't have a name for, maybe victory?for having her agree where no sane person would agree to?I don't know, and the car heat makes my eyelids heavy. A featherly touch of her hand on my forehead makes me flinch in surprise.

"Irie-kun! You have a fever!"

"I know,don't worry too much." I blink fast without wanting,struggling to keep my eyes open,I take her hand from my forehead and push it on my cheek. So small and fragile,I keep it there even though I see her blush deepening and a frown creasing.

"Irir-kun.."

"Shhh... You're hand is cold,that's all." Another lie.

The house is dark and dusty. I tell her to wait at the front door while I struggle with the electric panel. There are more than fourteen years since the last time I've been here. I'm glad I remembered the address correctly.

The power is up and we finally go in. The first thing I do is to search for some blankets,one for me and one for the statue named Kotoko. I wrapp it tight around her and start pushing the bundle towards the couch. Since we arrived here she said nothing,she watched me closely bussy myself around the room and nodding when needed to. Like a puppet, she waits now on the couch.

I can no longer prolong the inevitable. I gather the blanket around me and my corouge and go kneeling in front of her.

"Kotoko...there is ...something I want to tell you but I don't know how so I'll just start from the beginning. Remember the moment you gave me that love letter at the school gates?"she nods in agreement. Of course she does. "I remember it too.''like it was yesterday. '' The exact thought that crossed my mind was '' the girl has some courage.'' I smile, she frowns but says nothing." Then you moved into my house and I was so annoyed for having you interrupting the peaceful course of my life,I knew you will be bothersome, but I was surprised too when I found myself explaining why my brother treated you badly from the moment he met you. If you remember, I said that it was Yuki room and mine will be all cramped up. That was me being polite in a distorted clumsy way, I even agreed to help you with your things, on my mother's request of course, still a big deal for me back then to just do what she says. I believe that was the begining of her obsession with us being together, she sensed something was different. She was right, you intrigued me, I started to wonder about the intricate ways of life and what brought you in my house but I gave up quickly, I went for the easiest course and told you to stay out of my life but I was merely talking to myself. I was right,of course,you demonstrated to be the most loud,annoying foolish girl I ever met,as expected, I felt your eyes burning holes in me every time we met around the house..." I lose the train of thoughts when I see her expression. She looks like she's about to slap me.

"I don't understand you. I already know how much of a hindrance I've been to your life."

"No,not a hindrance.."

"Wait! Is this about what I said the other day? Are you so much afraid I came back here to stalk you like I did when I was a teenager?"

"No!What?" this is getting out of hand

"I moved out of your house didn't I? I will be gone the day after tomorrow.."

"Let me finish."

"No! I won't let you humiliate me like this. You didn't have to go to such length . I can see with my own eyes you have a good life going on, I'm good now, I'm convinced don't worry."

" You are?"

"Yes I am. "

" Still let me finish."

"We should head back now. Don't worry you've made your point long time ago. Repeatedly. "

Going back? But I will never go back

"Are you telling me you are ready to leave me for good?"

"Are you that desperate to hear it?"

Why are we bickering? This is so not going into the direction I wanted.

"Yes,I am desperate."

She puffs away her annoyance avoiding to look at me.

"Yes,it's true,you are not the center of my universe anymore, now I can see how stupid I was wasting all that time on you!"

Those trembling words held no truth. She is such a bad liar its almost funny! The perfect lie comes with practice. I should know.

There's still hope.

"Now,try telling me that to my face." I can see her anger growing.

"You arrogant jerk! You think you're all that great? Well I..."

I feel the blanket slipping from my shoulders while I take her face between my hands and force her to look at me. She struggles a little at the beginning.

"Look at me!" I have her attention "now tell me again how much of a waste of time I've been." I watch her eyes closely to catch the lie if I see one. I need to know the truth.

Her lip starts quivering and tears well up in her eyes but I don't let go. I'm pushing her limits.

I need to know.

"Why are you doing this to me Irie-kun? Why? Why bringing me here? Why holding me with you're hands like this? Why looking at me this way? Yes! I can still see stars in your eyes. Because I'm that stupid! My heart still skips a beat everytime I see you! Seeing you smile still makes my day,because it's that precious to me! Why Irie-kun?"

The truth! This is enough,this is more than I deserve.

"I'll show you why." I'll show you, my love,my cherished, my precious one. I'll show,finally, I have the chance to show you. I lean to kiss those trembling lips.

I close my eyes.

Oblivion.

Is it morning already? This bright light is so annoying! I want to continue this wonderful dream where Kotoko confesses her love to me. It felt so real! Did it really happened?

If I open my eyes,will she be next to me?

I decide to open my eyes,delighted,happy,anticipating the next most beautiful moment of my life.

"Can you please explain to me, why on earth you're smiling like an idiot?"

Sahoko!

My eyes snap open.

It was just a dream after all...and I'm in a hospital?

"What happened?"

"You tell me what happened!I get a call in the middle of the night from no other than Kotoko,telling me,my runaway husband is in a hospital with a high fever!"

So it wasn't a dream.

"Why are smiling?"

"Where is she?"

"Where do you think she is? Minding her own business,that's where! Were you with her last night?"

"Yes." I replay the events from last night and remember I didn't have the chance to tell her what I wanted.

I start to panic.

"Where is she?"I ask again

"You have no shame!"

"Answer me,damn it!"

"She is working. Do you remember what day is today? And we are late. I brought you some clothes. I'll see you there."

And with that she leaves.

I hurry and dress myself quickly. I need to catch up on her. I can't believe how stupidly missed my chance last night,I was so close,stupid stupid,rain and stupid fever.

I'm out the door.

I arrive there in record time,with only one thought on my mind. Find Kotoko. Everyone must be already gathered inside because I can hear the light music mixed with people chatting, clapping.

Before going in I stop to rearrange my clothes,my tie,my shirt was hanging out,I don't want to draw attention on myself,I came here to kidnap Kotoko and finish what I started last night. I can't be stuck in conversations about stock prices with some rich and fat hypocrites.

Inside my eyes goes automatically in search of Kotoko but the room is full of people and she is so small...

Suddently the room is quiet again,no one is clapping anymore. I didn't realise there was someone on the improvised stage before I hear Sahoko greeting everybody. Of course,it must be the the opening speech and right near the stage I spot Kotoko,frantically speaking with a waitress.

I am worried. What if she doesn't want to come with me again? How many time can she say yes to me before she has enough. What if yesterday was the last time?

"Kotoko!"I call her name. She turns around I can see her eyes sparkling the second she recognises me.

I stop in my track when I realise who is the other person besides her.

Jason.

I did expect to see him around but stil, so irritating to the impossible,every time I see him, I want to punch a wall or break something. Just the thought that he breathes the air around Kotoko takes me to a boiling point.

"I have only one announcement to make,now that my husband is finally here."She points at me and everybody notices me. " You have to forgive him for not being able to get here sooner but he worked so much and made possible everything we stand here for,today."everyone is applauding again. I lose the sight of Kotoko for a second and when I see her again.."We wanted to share with you all,on this special day,the wonderful news of us being..future parents!" I see Kotoko gripping on James arm,like helping herself staying straight. My anger flares even more. How dare he hold her so tight!Kotoko's face is white,she looks at me shocked like...like... like I grew two heads.

Wait!

What?

"Isn't it wonderful?" Is she talking about me,us? Everyone starts to congratulate me and give me packs on the back. I search again for Kotoko and when I finally manage to see her, she has her face buried in Jason's shirt.

Oh! The victory smile he has! I'll wipe it quickly!

I struggle to make my way through the sea of people who won't stop hugging me and shaking my hands,congratulating me when the terrible reality dawns on me. What is this about? A father? Since when?There is no way she is going to want to talk to me now! There is no way she will accept me even if I can convince her about my love! She can't take a father away from her child!

But this is a lie! My insides scream.

This is a lie !

My anger goes towards Sahoko! So this is what she had up her sleeve. I knew it, she looked way too sure about herself.

This is her revenge. It wasn't enough turning me into a selfish son and a cheating husband, but she had to turn me into a despicable human being, a father who leaves his pregnant wife way she made sure Kotoko will never want anything to do with me again and Jason's presence is perfect,just perfect. Her plan could've been perfect except for the the fact that I won't have it. I won't give up! If I give up,what else is there for me?

Kotoko has to hear the truth from Sahoko's lips. By all means, she will speak the truth!

I decide to go search for Sahoko.

I find her in the changing room behind the stage,the door was half open and I see her staring at herself in the mirror.

I burst in not caring if she has any clothes on her. I get straight through the door and haul her from the chair.

"You're coming with me!" But before I can grasp her well she snatches her hand away." You're coming with me,you'll go out there and tell everyone the truth!" I yell my lungs out

"No."

"What is this sick,twisted game you're playing at?"

"Why are you so surprised? I told you,I won't let you to be with her! This is your fault you know? The company wasn't enough was it? You gave it up you gave up on your father's work,you're future for what? I had to do this. You made me do this!"

"Are you crazy? YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT! How are you going to pull this through anyway? What are you gonna tell everybody when they're expecting to see a baby growing in your belly? What more you want from me anyway? You want me? Are you sure you want to live the rest of you're life with this empty shell of a man like me?"

"It doesn't matter if I have you two away from each other! Don't worry about her so much, she is in good company,didn't you see? Please just compliment me for the fine work I've done,for the way I outsmarted you! Oh,I bet you've never seen it coming right? Jason? He promised me he will invite us to they're wedding and send us their first baby picture."

"I think that's enough!" I hear the last person I expected to hear behind me. I turn around.

"Mom? Dad?" My father is so red I fear he might have another heart atack. Mother on the other side is fuming with rage. In two long strides she is in front of Sahoko.

"How dare you play with my son's life like this! I knew you were no good for him! " I' ve never been so happy to see my mother in my entire life! Here I am, feeling like a three years old , his parents, his superheroes. ''This is what happens when you don't listen to your parents!" She said that to me while keeping her eyes on Sahoko. The atmosphere in the room just dropped a few degrees, in a few seconds she managed to scold me and wipe the smug expression off Sahoko's face. She looks on the verge of tears. Huh! '' I think it's time to give up,Sahoko.

''Of course, of course you are on his side! But how can you though? Can't you see how he is ruining his life? How can you stay so tranquil when you're genius son, who could have conquered the world drops everything to follow his heart? This usually goes the other way around.''

'' I don't think its your place to judge me or my ways. I stayed out of your marriage, I let him have his way and everything turned out a mess. I look at you and see how low you fell, faking a pregnancy? I look at him and see a miserable, half man and half boy. He never got to grow up into a whole. Call me stupid or delusional but I do believe a marriage needs love, I'm that old fashioned to think love is what holds everything together,not money. Believe it or not he is making you a favor too. You'll see it someday, I'm sure. Now it's time for you to come to your senses and tell everyone the truth.''

''I loved him!''

''I think you did,in your way,''

''I gave him everything.''

''I'm sorry but still not a reason enough.''

''He lied to me.''

''I believe he lied a lot to himself too.''

''I can't let him go, I won't! I can't !

''You don't have a choice. Now, Naoki, you should go. I think Kotoko was ready to leave.''

But I need to convince Sahoko!

''And she was with that american, Jason.''

"Can you,Naoki? Can you leave like this? You know the moment you go out this door,kiss the company goodbye! And I'll make sure you will never work in this industry again. I'll trash your name! You will be nothing! Can't wait to see how your Kotoko will help you then! Can't wait to see how happy you will be with that dimwitted, good for nothing around you, let's see then, if the love your mother dreams about it's enough.''

"Just shut up!" My mother snaps at her

''Can you leave? Look into your father's eyes! Can you see the disappointment?

Finally my father steps into the room.

"I am disappointed Sahoko, but it's not my son I'm looking at."

Suddenly turns around and hugs me, taking me by surprise.

"I give you my blessing, son. Go and find your happiness. I love you! '' he then lets me go and turn to Sahoko '' Oh and by the way Sahoko, Pandai s stil mine,not Naoki's. I'm not dead yet for him to inherit. I might as well decide I don't want him to be my successor so he has nothing to give up on." He winks at me and I'm out of the door.

Thank you father. I love you too.

Where do I go from here?

With every step the adrenaline melts out of my body leaving the space to nothingness. Maybe Sahoko really did it this time!

The realisation hits me like a hundred knives.

She can be anywhere.

I should try calling her,I take my phone out of my pocket when the thought strikes me. What if she sees my number and won't answer? That's probably what will happen..but if she doesn't recognize the number?

I stop in front of a phone booth.

Yes! This is it!

My heart beats so loudly I can't hear the ringtones.

What if she hears my voice and hugs up?

There will be no hope then,I'll truly lose her. What I'm gonna do if that happens?

How will I continue to live?

I'm waiting for an answer and I don't even realise when my feet gave up under me and find myself sitting on the ground.

"Hello?" a male voice answers me.

I know who this is.

"Why are you answering her phone?" my voice sounds strange in my ears,sounds dead,for the fire burning inside me,it sounds lifeless. I try again. "Why are You Answering Her Phone?"

" Naoki? Man,congratulations for becoming a father!

I greet my teeth. I need to behave so he won't hang up.

" Is Kotoko there with you? Can you pass her on the phone?...Please""

I hear him laughing.

"Why do they say you're boring? You always crack me up!"

"Kotoko is in the bathroom,taking a shower. We've had such a nice walk,this hotel is so wonderful,so romantic,I can even see the Rainbow Bridge from my window! Such a great view from up here. Too bad we won't be returning...

I'm already on my way, the phone dangles behind me , before I know I'm running...I know that place...that idiot just told exactly what I needed to know to find her. The place where we had our first and last date. That area is in continue development,the hotel is built in a strategic place for turists to fully enjoy the best view of the bridge and now became a must see in Tokyo. Of course he stays there! It's not far away from me either, I just need to cross on the other side of the bay, to Odaiba.

Please wait for me.

I stop only in front of the hotel for a second to cach my breath, the once quiet and peaceful place I remember is now full of people,turists taking pictures,kids almost runing me over, when a flash of pink, draws my attention.

My heart thumps stronger instantly, recognizing her before my mind could even process the information. Hunched over the rail , I see Kotoko watching the water, so intent and so concentrated, as if it could hold the secret to eternal life. Like usually, all my surroundings turn dull,the view ,the people around me,nothing can hold my attention, when I'm near her,everything turns black and white.

There, so close to me and yet so far, invisible to everyone else, my Kotoko glows.

"Kotoko!"I call her name but I keep my distance. I don't want her to feel the need to back away from me when she sees me.

"Irie-kun?"

I drag my feet a little bit closer.

"Please don't run away before you listen to me first.''

I take another step and wait for her reaction but she doesn't back away.

''You got some things wrong.. Me, my life, my marriage. Everything is fake. I married Sahoko out of duty towards my father and my family, there was never love between us. My life is fake because there is not one thing throughout the day I enjoy doing it, everyday is like yesterday and as tomorrow will be. I am fake too, pretending to live, to breathe, faking smiles for my mother, telling lies, hundreds of lies,to my father,my mother, my brother, Sahoko, myself and to...you. I lied to you, mostly and I beg for you forgiveness. Because I made you suffer, please forgive me. You are free to choose what you want but I wish you would chose to stay here...with me, because I love you. '' This is all I'm asking for right now. For her to stay and time to show how much I love her.

I see her sliding down the iron panels until she sits on the ground,her dress forming a pool around her. I too,dare and go sit beside her to wait for her to say something. It's a pleasant wait with the setting sun warming my back. People pass us by not minding us at all.

I wait...

It's strange,I was ready for all sorts of reactions but not this silence. I guess you never know with Kotoko.

"Did you...just now...confessed to me?" she asks me with disbelief in her tone.

I swallow the smile that was threatening to show,afraid that she might misunderstand it and just nod keeping my eyes straight ahead. We've been here before.

Again silence.

"Are you seriously telling me that you...you...love me?"

Finally.

I turn,I look into her eyes and bring together all the compelling powers I have in me.

" I love you Kotoko."

So this is when the crying starts. She cries like a baby when I can't help but to smile. I smile because I finally managed to tell her how I feel, because now I know everything will be OK, my smile broadens even more when I realize that fate was never in my hands and never against us. It could have been so easy, just three words.

I take out some tissues and hand her one. When I see she doesn't take it, I start drying her cheeks myself.

I'm mesmerized how breathtakingly beautiful she is,even now with her eyes swollen,messy hair from and a runing nose. Yes,this is the Kotoko I know.

I feel drawn to her,I lean in and place a soft kiss between her eyebrows,another one on her left cheek and another one on the right cheek.

"I love you so much,silly girl,I'm sorry I kept it to myself for so long." I place another kiss on her jawline,one on her forehead again,and another one,and another...and another. Very addictive,my Kotoko,I can't seem to stop but I do when I see the crying it's over. I get up and take her with me. I know I have a few more things to explain to her,like Sahoko's pregnancy. It's strange she hadn't said a word about it until now.

"Kotoko, you have to.."

"You know what happened today?"She interrupts me and I let her continue."Jason asked me to marry him." My eyes automatically goes to her hands but she has them clutched away. I swallow and stop breathing. How is it possible? When I could finally see the light? "You want to know what my answer was?" I say yes...I think I say yes..I don't hear my voice though. "I said no. I told him I will not marry him because I love you, I told him I will not be joining him back to America because it's useless for me to run again when I know it's not the solution. I decided to stay here and face this one-sided love I have for this married man who was about to become a father. I told him that if time have not erased,if distance have not erased the love I have for you,nothing will. I told him I will stop lying to myself and continue to stay by your side in any form you would want me, a secretary,a babysitter,anything that could have permitted me to see you from time to time. If my love for you has no cure I'll just have to live with it. That's what I told him."

Joy explodes in my chest! So much weight is lifted and I don't feel the ground under my feet anymore. So...much...hapiness...I feel lightheaded.

Take that,Jason.

I pull her in my arms where she belongs to.

"About Sahoko's pregnancy..."

"I know everything." She interrupts me again

"How?"

"Jason told me it's fake."I raise my eyebrows at her dry tone, inviting her to continue. "Sahoko called him first inviting him to buy the shares,soon to be available. He jumped at the occasion,it seems his father was after for a long time..."

"That sly..."

"I know,but wait there's more. When he arrived she told him about her plan to fake a pregnancy so he could easily take me back to America and have me out of her hair...I still wonder why she insisted Id come back,in the first place. Anyway he agreed...but I forgive him. He believed it was for my sake but changed his mind when I wouldn't bulge on my decision to stay here. He told me everything,Irie-kun...he told me what happened on that Christmas night,he apologized for lying to me...he believes you have feelings for me,he said you love me too.." a fresh tear slides on her cheek " He said to wait here for you because you're coming and you did come. Is it possible it's true?"

"Kotoko..."

"Oh and he gave me this for you." She hands me a heavy envelope. ''He said it's his way to apologize.'' I open it and,files with the company logo falls on my hands. I can't believe it...I run through them again...that idiot...he gave me the shares he bought...I'm now the majority holder...On the last one,on a scraped corner,written says "Did I surprised you now,Naoki?" I can almost hear his stupid snickering in my head.

"What is it?"

"It looks like it's over."

"What's over?"

"The angst,the struggle,the worries.''

" I will make you happy Irie-kun! I promise to love you forever!"

"I have no doubt!"

"Hey! This is where you say you will love me forever too!" she pouts!adorable!

"Well, forever is a long time!"

"Are you serious right now? Are you ruining my happy ending?"

"What ending are you talking about ? This is just the begining!"

THE END

 **** I apologize again for making you wait for so long. I never intended to leave the story unfinished no matter how many grammar mistakes I make. It's a promise I made to myself when I decided to publish it. If one, just one person out there enjoys it, I will keep writing until the end. It is that much of a big deal for me. No need to get emotional, I just want you to know how precious is to me,every reader,every comment (keep doing it guys,when you read and like something,it really is important)and truly thankful for putting up with me. I apologize again to those who read it and cringed in disgust at my mistakes, I'm sorry, I know it's true, I can't believe myself,the courage I had. Glad I had it though.**

 **About the story, as I said it before, it wasn't supposed to end here. I was planning to take it through more time. I am that sadistic! More angst and more problems were coming their way but I gave Naoki the chance to confess his feelings now because I have less and less time on my hands and was afraid I won't make it.**

 **Anyway, I have some serious problems with the completed button so I'm thinking to write a short epilogue. If you want that please do tell because I'm game.**

 **I guess no goodbyes are needed,right?**

 **Untill next time.****


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